Notes of a Crocodile

by Qiu Miaojin

The fact is, most people go through life without ever living. They say you have to learn how to construct a self who remains free in spite of the system. And you have to get used to the idea that it’s every man for himself in this world. It requires a strange self-awareness, whereby everything down to the finest detail must be performed before the eyes of the world.

My life was extraordinarily lacking in all sense of reality, as if I were watching a different me playing various characters within a mirage. I wanted to be kicked out into reality so badly. . . .

A certain part of me has died as I’ve learned to leave behind the qualities of my youth—the overanxiousness, oversensitivity, and self-consciousness, not to mention arrogance and idealism, that diminish with life experience. I was

late bloomer, but at long last, I lost my innocence. Like anyone else when they’re young, I harbored lofty expectations but lacked the self-knowledge to comprehend my own passions and vices.