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December 15 - December 28, 2021
What is happening to me? Everything made sense this morning. Why did my whole life change in one instant? What did I do to deserve this? Will anything be normal again?
There was a new, horrible, and miserable Chrissie. I hated this Chrissie. I wanted the old Chrissie back.
As I entered school, I was hyper-vigilant about my body and my breathing. If I could stay ahead of the bad feelings, I may have a chance at neutralizing them with breathing and prayer rituals.
now had a standard formula I could follow for success to assure I wouldn’t be exposed to or experience the bad thoughts or feelings. What a relief! I could control this as long as I was constantly vigilant.
No one suspected anything was different about me since the bad thoughts happened. I was spending hours in daily rumination, avoidance, and prayer rituals. But I was also becoming an expert in masking them. There were two different sides of Chrissie. There was the internal, anxiety-riddled, ritualistic Chrissie and the outward ‘everything is just great’ Chrissie. However confusing it felt, I sensibly kept the two separate. I had insight that my behavior and intense worry didn’t make sense, but what stopped me from seeking help was the voice in my head saying “if there was not some truth to
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no way of confirming my theory was correct or incorrect, and no foreseeable way of ending this cycle. Yet, I continued to perform the rituals in hopes something miraculous would occur to make everything okay.
My avoidance rituals became more prevalent as I developed areas and people deemed ‘off limits’.
I found myself in a convoluted situation. I would have to decide which was more important, the rituals or the individual.
Socially, I had to make some tough decisions.
It was difficult deciphering between who I wanted to be versus who I had to be to maintain rituals. I couldn’t rationalize why this was happening to me.
I didn’t know what else to do except adhere to the rules and regulations of my monstrous obsession. I was in constant turmoil questioning the validity of my experience because it seemed so ridiculous to worry about this all the time.
But, I would get pulled into the cycle by the voice in my head saying “if there wasn’t some sort of truth to this, you wouldn’t have to do t...
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The constant cycle of doubt made me feel sad and depressed. It seemed endless.
I sat in my room for days doing nothing but thinking about the bad thoughts, trying to combat them with proof. I was exhausted but couldn’t sleep. Sadness and anger about this agony I had endured for so many years weighed on my soul. Why didn’t anyone else go through this? I
I was so relieved when the cycles ended, yet also paranoid and desperate with worry about if and when the next ones would begin.
