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When you travel a neural pathway over and over again, it becomes a habit. Very often that pathway leads to anger, fear, or craving. One millisecond is enough for you to arrive at the same destination: anger and a desire to punish the person who has dared to make you suffer.
mindfulness can help us pause for a moment and become aware of the anger building up in us.
Usually when we are angry with someone we are more interested in fighting with them than in taking care of our own feelings. It’s like someone whose house is on fire running after the person who has set fire to their house instead of going home to put out the flames.
If we can take care of our own anger instead of focusing on the other person, we will get immediate relief.
The cold air is embraced by the hot air and becomes warm—there’s no fighting at all between them. Mindfulness is the capacity to be aware of what is going on in the present moment. It is like warm air coming into a cold room.
Once we recognize our anger, we can embrace it with tenderness.
To try to run away from suffering is not wise. To stay with it, to look deeply into it, and to make good use of it, is what we should do. It is by looking deeply into the nature of suffering that we discover the path of transformation and healing.
suffering helps us to learn and grow.
Your anger is the wounded child in you. Why should you fight your anger? The method is entirely nonviolent: awareness, mindfulness, and tenderly holding your anger within you.
When we can listen to others with deep compassion, we can understand their pain and difficulties. But when we’re angry, we can’t listen to others or hear their suffering.
Once we have listened with compassion, we can use loving speech to restore communication and understanding. We will know what to say and what not to say so we don’t make the situation worse.
Loving speech is an essential skill in building a relationship or a community that is a safe and healing refuge for all.
When we have a lot of pain, it is difficult to speak lovingly, so it is important to look deeply to see the roots of our anger, despair, and suffering, so we can understand and free ourselves from them.
first of all that we practice not watering the unbeneficial seeds in ourselves.
The seeds contain the potential for all the different emotions, thoughts, and perceptions we may have.
if someone says something unkind that waters your seed of anger—the seed of anger will come up and manifest in the upper level of consciousness, our mind. Loving speech requires that we notice when we’re watering unwholesome seeds such as envy, anger, discrimination, or despair.
If we want to avoid conflict and practice loving speech, we have to practice clear thinking. We will inevitably speak and act according to the way that we think.
When we’re able to love our enemy, that person is no longer our enemy. The idea of “enemy” vanishes and is replaced by the person who is suffering and needs our compassion.
HOW TO TELL THE TRUTH When we want to prove a point, we may be tempted to twist the truth or say something that is only partially true. We may exaggerate by intentionally making something out to be greater or more extreme than it is. We may add, embellish, or invent details to prove we are right. This kind of speech can lead to misunderstanding and distrust. We have to practice speaking the truth and speaking it skillfully.
Just because we have observed or experienced something doesn’t mean we should speak about it if doing so will make others suffer.
Loving speech requires telling the truth in such a way that it benefits others, the world, and ourselves.
THE ART OF APOLOGIZING
The ability to apologize sincerely and express regret for the unskillful things we say or do is an art. A true apology can relieve a great deal of suffering in the other person.
A straightforward apology can have a powerful effect. We can just say, “I am very sorry. I know I was unskillful. I was not mindful or understanding.” We don’t need to justify or explain what we said or did, we just apologize.
Don’t make excuses for having committed the mistake.
Don’t apologize for the sake of receiving a reciprocal apology
when our mind is calm, we can see reality more clearly, like still water reflecting the trees, the clouds, and the blue sky. Stillness is the foundation of understanding and insight. Stillness is strength.
When you feel upset or angry, it’s important not to do or say anything. We need to calm down first. Don’t speak or act with the energy of anger in you. Just come back to your body and your breathing. Breathe in and out mindfully,
Then ask your friend to clarify what they were saying. Check if you have understood correctly, if your perceptions were correct.
When you try to get anger out by hitting something like a pillow, it may seem harmless. But it’s not certain that you can release your anger by hitting the pillow, imagining it to be your enemy, the one who has made you suffer. You may be rehearsing your anger and making it stronger instead of releasing it.
doing this will water the seed of anger in your unconscious mind.
“Nothing can survive without food”—not even love. Without nourishment, your love will die.
When you produce loving thoughts, speech, and actions, these nourish your love and help it grow strong. Suffering also requires food to survive. If you continue to suffer, it’s because you feed your suffering every day. Thoughts, conversations, films, books, magazines, and the Internet are sensory foods that we consume. If we don’t carefully choose what we consume, these things can water the seeds of anger, fear, violence, and discrimination within us.
To generate compassion, you have to understand and embrace your own suffering. Don’t try to throw your suffering away. Hold it tenderly like a mother holding her crying baby, and look deeply into it.
Mindful breathing is a wonderful way to help you make peace with yourself. Simply by bringing your full awareness to your in-breath and your out-breath, you slow down.
Breathing with awareness, peace comes naturally.
When you have reconciled and are at peace with yourself, it is much easier to go to the other person and say, “I know you have suffered a lot. I know I have also contributed to your suffering. I haven’t been very mindful or skillful. I didn’t understand your suffering and difficulties enough. I may have said or done things that have made the situation worse. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.
I may have given you the impression that I wanted to make you suffer. That’s not true. So please tell me about your suffering so that I will not make the same kind of mistake again. I know that your happiness is crucial to my own happiness.
Suppose someone has made you suffer a lot.
that person does not know how to handle their own suffering, they remain the first and biggest victim of their suffering. You are only victim number two.
If you don’t understand the suffering, the difficulties, and the deep aspirations of another person, it’s not possible for you to love them. Love is understanding; without understanding we cannot speak of true love.
When you have understood their suffering, you can provide the food of love.
Sometimes, the person we want to reconcile with is far away and we feel we have lost the chance to mend our relationship. Why not use a phone? If the other person can hear your voice, it helps avoid misperceptions.
As long as you are practicing mindful breathing and have made peace with yourself, the other person will hear that in your voice.
We want to create the opportunity for ourselves to live in peace, in safety, in security, and also for the other side to live in peace, safety, and security. If you have this intention and you know how to include the other side in your heart, then you suffer less right away.
Many arguments and conflicts come about because we are so sure of our own thoughts and perceptions.
we should not be too sure of our own ideas.
Keep an open mind.
Clear, unbiased observation and loving speech can contribute greatly to building connection and removing anger, hatred, and discrimination.
