Don't You Forget About Me

by Mhairi McFarlane

I’d gone from not noticing Lucas ever to being consumed by noticing him constantly. I developed the sensory awareness of an apex predator: at any time I could tell you where Lucas was in the common room, without you ever seeing my eyes flicker toward him.

Here’s what life has taught me so far: don’t worry about that thing you’re worrying about. Chances are, it’ll be obliterated by something you didn’t anticipate that’s a million times worse.

Rav I’m in no way making light of this or making it about me but my grief counsellor has died. That doesn’t seem like a thing that should be allowed to happen.

‘Sometimes because the people we wanted to care for us, didn’t care for us, we live with a deliberate lack of care for ourselves. A way of getting back at them, through self-neglect.’

‘I’m more looking for love than bunk-ups, to be honest. Proper romance. I’m re-reading Wuthering Heights at the moment. It has the best line: “Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.”’ Kitty looks dumbstruck and I briefly flatter myself I might get the queen of social media into classic literature. ‘Whatever ARSEHOLES are made of they have the same arsehole??!’ she shrieks, and Lucas sticks his head round the corner and says: ‘Shhhh!’ ‘Our souls! Souls!’ I say, shaking with laughter.

‘I wondered if you wanted someone to help zip your dress up before a night out. I wondered if you wanted someone to call first in a crisis. I wondered if you wanted someone to text to bring you fish and chips when you can’t be arsed with a proper dinner. I wondered if you wanted someone in your corner when you visit your family, someone who will tell them how lucky they are to have you. I wondered if you wanted someone to fetch the Lucozade when you have the flu. I wondered whether, if that comedian shitbag ever comes within ten paces of you, I can hit him in the face. To be honest if I see him, I will probably do that whether I’m your boyfriend or not because he is an utter shitbag and he has it coming. No court in the land would convict.’