Gentle Discipline: Using Emotional Connection--Not Punishment--to Raise Confident, Capable Kids

by Sarah Ockwell-Smith

The true key to better behavior is in working with, not against, your child.

In many cases, “bad” behavior is not the child being deliberately defiant, but an indication that the behavior expected of them is at odds with what they are capable of doing and feeling at any given moment. If anything is to blame, it is often our unrealistic expectations and demands.

The word “discipline” is based on the Latin word disciplina, which means “instruction.” Disciplina, in turn, derives from the Latin discere, which means “to learn.”

Gentle discipline is focused upon teaching and learning, rather than punishing, and having expectations for children’s behavior that are realistic, given their level of brain development.

If you have told a child a thousand times and he still does not understand, then it is not the child who is the slow learner.

SPACE denotes five steps toward effective, gentle discipline: Stay calm Proper expectations Affinity with your child Connect and contain emotions Explain and set a good example Stay

To contain your child’s feelings, you must connect with her.

We are mature enough to “hold” some of our child’s big feelings as well as our own, to help them to calm down.

The secret to emotional intelligence is knowing that all emotions are OK; it’s how we manage them that matters. Until your child learns how to manage her emotions, it is your role to externally manage them, while leading her in the direction of self-control. To contain your child’s feelings, you must connect with her. Your compassion and support will guide her toward becoming the person you hope she will be.

The fact is that everyone, regardless of age, has to deal with overwhelming emotions from time to time, and some cope with them better than others. In fact, we often expect behavior from our kids that we are not fully capable of ourselves.

starting from the position of viewing behavior as communication of a problem puts parents in a very different position—one of working with their kids to solve the problem cooperatively, rather than punishing them for having a problem in the first place.

Kids need boundaries and limits to feel safe and to know what is expected of them, and while it is their job to test them, it is our job as adults to set and enforce them.

In our busy lives, reconnection is often overlooked.

One of the most important things you can do as a parent is to nurture—and repair, when necessary—the bond you have with your child.

In our busy lives, reconnection is often overlooked; ironically, we even sacrifice this special time by taking our children to activities and classes to aid their development when what they often need most of all is downtime with us.

Your child should always feel unconditionally loved by you.

Play is not a waste of time or something to be done when “the important stuff” is complete. It is the important stuff.

Menstruation is viewed very negatively in Western society, with advertisements for products to take the pain and stress of periods away, unfavorable language being used to describe periods, and references to irritability in women being due to “their time of the month.” In many parts of Asia, in contrast, it is an accepted part of everyday life, just like any other bodily function. There is no fuss or negativity, and there isn’t a focus on PMS either. Interestingly, research has found that women in Asia don’t report the same level of issues in the time preceding menstruation as do women in Western society.

By attributing our children’s undesirable behavior to hormonal changes we can do them a disservice and often miss the real issues.

If you want kids to behave better, you have to make them feel better.

There is a misconception in our society that children learn best by being punished and shamed. The reality couldn’t be further from the truth. If you want kids to behave better, you have to make them feel better.

Using Maslow’s hierarchy, we can see that discipline methods that focus on shaming or punishing via forms of social exclusion (time-out, the naughty step, and sending them to their room, for instance) cannot possibly help to achieve actualization.