... But I'm NOT Racist!: Tools for Well-Meaning Whites

by Kathy Obear

As I dug beneath those excuses, I found some deeper intrapersonal roots and fears, including: What if I made a mistake? What if I made it worse? What would people think of me? I might look foolish, and people will realize I am not as competent as they think I am. The truth is, my silence was a clear indicator of my degree of competence.

As I look back, I now see I could have easily said, “Excuse me, I know I may not have all of the context of what’s happening right now, but I am feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the tone of this conversation.”

Are you concerned if you confront other white people that they will get angry and come after you? Or hold a grudge and find ways to retaliate and undermine you in the future? Are you afraid of damaging your relationships with other whites, including your friends or your supervisor? Are you concerned you’ll be “thrown out of the club” and lose access to information, resources, and power-brokers? Are you afraid of what white people will think of you and how they might ruin your reputation? Do you fear future career opportunities may be sabotaged if people begin to think of you as a trouble-maker, too outspoken, too aggressive, or not a team player?

Intent vs. Impact

“I rarely consciously intend the negative impact of the comments I make. I’m open to exploring your intent in a moment, but I wonder if you can first acknowledge what you heard Alisha say was the impact of your comment?”

“I trust you didn’t intend this. And I hope you can also realize the impact was very different than what you consciously intended.”

“There are many stories I could tell you of racist comments I have made and I would have sworn I hadn’t intended any negative impact. And the truth is, when I got honest with myself and dug underneath my comment or action, I most often realized that some racist implicit bias and stereotypes were fueling my reaction. I wasn’t aware at that time, but unconsciously, just below the surface, these racist beliefs shaped my response. Can you relate at all?”

“I know she is a good person. Most of us are and we can still make racist comments that have a negative impact. The fact that she is a well-intended colleague has me hopeful that she will care about her unintended impact and want to stay in the conversation to better understand what happened.”

“I notice you just shifted the conversation to talk about being gay. Did you notice? Can you say more about why you moved away from talking about race?” Another approach I have used is to acknowledge the pain of the person’s marginalized experience before I refocus the conversation back onto race, “I can’t imagine what that must have been like. I am so sorry you experienced that. My guess is the pain and anger you feel may be a window to understand what many people of color may be feeling from the persistent violence of racism in their lives. As you heard all the stories we have been sharing about the ways we as white people have colluded and actively participated in racist dynamics, what could you relate to?”

“I notice this is the second time you have brought up an example of growing up in poverty. I know when I continue to refocus on my marginalized identities it is because I am often feeling very uncomfortable looking at all the white privilege I receive as well as the horrific emotional and physical violence people of color experience every day. Can you say more about what you are feeling right now as I nudge you to keep the focus on race?”

“I can’t believe she was so aggressive when she attacked you! That wasn’t very professional.” When I notice this defense strategy I often respond with, “I actually experienced her very differently. I thought she was clear and direct in her comments, and not at all aggressive. I have sometimes accused a person of color of attacking me when they were only taking the risk to share some feedback with me. In the past, I have felt angry when people of color have confronted me and focused more on how they engaged me than on what they were trying to help me realize about myself. Some people call this ‘tone-policing’. Have you heard about this concept?”

“I know it is hard for me to accept critical feedback. I hate knowing that my actions may have been harmful to others. I understand the feedback she gave you because I have received similar feedback from others about my actions. If you want to talk more, I would be glad to sit with you for a while.”

In workshops, I have recently heard several white people say something like, “I hate that you call me ‘white!’ Why do you have to use all those terms like black and Hispanic and Asian? We are all one race, the human race!” In order to find a way to acknowledge and join them before I offer an alternative perspective I may ask, “Can you say more about what you value about all of us being the human race and what we all deserve as human beings?” As they share more, I can usually find something to build on as I continue, “I agree that as humans we all deserve to be respected and treated with dignity. And I share your vision of a world where we can all be seen as the brilliant, lovable individuals we are.”

Another challenging situation is how white people try to deflect attention away from their behaviors by saying, “People of color are racist, too! Last week I heard someone in the office say they hated white people!” I might enter by asking, “How did you feel when you heard that? I might have felt a bit put-off by that comment and been worried they were talking about me.”

“Over the years, I have heard some people of color make prejudiced comments about whites, and they were sometimes hard to hear. I found that when I stayed in the conversation and asked them how they were doing or why they felt that way, they usually started to tell me about some recent, really painful racist situations they experienced or that happened to members of their family. And I could better understand the depth of their anger and frustration. And it made me realize how rarely I hear negative comments about white people compared to how much more frequently I see and hear stereotypic and racist comments about people of color. Can you relate at all?”

Anybody can have and act on their prejudices. However, it’s my understanding that the term racism is talking more about the way these prejudices have been used to create organizations and institutions that privilege whites at the expense of people of color.

Racism is privilege plus power. People of color can react out of their prejudice; they don’t have the power or privilege to institutionalize racism in daily practices, policies, and services. This may not make sense. It took me quite a while to shift my thinking. But if you want to talk more, my door is always open.”

A type of comment that often gets under my skin is when white people say, “All this focus on race only makes things worse. We are post-racial now. I mean, we elected a black president and we have hired so many people of color recently. Affirmative Action worked, but now it’s not needed anymore. Whites will be a minority soon and we already are in many states. Why can’t you move past this and focus on more important issues?”

“What more do those people of color want?!?!” After I take a few deep breaths and try hard to remember when I have thought or said something similar, I can usually de-escalate my emotions enough to say something useful. I might enter with, “I wish I could agree with you. I so wish that race didn’t matter anymore. And I wish that Affirmative Action had successfully achieved its goal, but I recently saw another statistic that again pointed out how white women, by far, have been the beneficiaries of Affirmative Action practices. And while we do see some progress with hiring people of color into leadership roles, even if you look at the top leaders at our peer institutions or in the government, they are still mostly white as are most of their direct reports. I’m curious what others think?”

“What do you think the impact is when you say that?” Or say, “I’ve said that before without realizing the negative racist impact I was having.”

A related situation occurs when people say, “We have gotten way too politically correct around here! You gotta look out for the PC police!” In response, I usually ask a question to get them to talk more, “What do you mean?” Their common response often is, “You can’t say anything anymore!” To which I might call their bluff by asking, “What do you want to be able to say?” If they list off a few things they want to be able to say, then I can explore the negative impact of these on our colleagues and me. To bring some closure I may say, “As employees in any organization, we all have to be thoughtful about what we say and try to engage in ways that recognizes the value of each person. I want to work in an inclusive environment where we treat each other with respect and dignity, and we work together to help our clients. My guess is that is important to you as well.

Today, if I hear whites sharing negative feedback among themselves about people of color I ask, “What did they say when you talked to them about it?” Most often, just like me, they hadn’t talked with their colleague. I might continue with a few questions, including, “What specific behaviors are you concerned about? How did you make meaning of what they said or did? What could be other ways to interpret what they did? Have you ever seen any white colleagues do similar behaviors? If so, what was your reaction and did you talk directly with them? Do you hold white colleagues to the same level of expected performance as you do colleagues of color?”

I am far more effective when I am grounded in more productive intentions, including: meet people where they are; relate in and connect; treat others with respect and dignity; leave no one behind; do no harm; leave people feeling whole; and model the behaviors and values I espouse.

I personally don’t call people racist. Instead, I focus on their racist behaviors and attitudes that perpetuate the racist status quo. This is a practical strategy that I find more productive in my work. I believe we all learned and act out of racist stereotypes and prejudice. Our actions maintain racist institutions that advantage whites at the devastating expense of the human rights and humanity of people of color and people who identify as multiracial or biracial.

Recently, I have heard many stories from whites about family gatherings where their white family members made blatant racist statements, such as “All Lives Matter!” Or derogatory statements related to people of color and welfare or Affirmative Action. Most of the white people reported feeling stuck and frozen, afraid to engage for fear of escalating the racist dynamics. In addition to the tools and approaches I discussed in Chapter 7, I might respond in these moments by asking a few questions, such as, “I’m trying to remember the first time I heard that statement. Do you remember? I wonder who benefitted from our believing that? Or how we benefit from holding on to that belief today?”

“Today, I recognize that statement is one of the many racialized messages I was taught that don’t serve me any longer. It took a while, but every time I met and got to know another person of color, I had more evidence and life experience to refute the racist stereotypes I bought into. And in those times I still fall back into thinking those statements might be true, I remind myself of other examples and memories that contradict these false generalizations in order to interrupt my racist thoughts. I’m usually able to shift my thinking, which is so ingrained from my life history, to focus more accurately on my truth today. I’m glad to share more about this now or sometime later, if you want.” Not every white relative will be open to this conversation, but I believe many will want to talk more, if not in the moment, then over time.

This is a lifelong journey to unlearn all the pervasive racist messages I was taught and shift all the lies I learned that whites were smarter and more competent and that white culture is the right and only way to operate within organizations and society.

In those moments when you are standing at the crossroads between fear and transformation, I hope you always choose courage, take the risk to speak up, and live into your values and vision of a better world.

Given all the white privilege I receive, whatever problems or challenges I experience when I speak up pale in comparison to what people of color experience every day.