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by
Kathy Obear
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June 1 - July 30, 2017
knew I was smart and could figure out how to act in front of people of color as well as learn what to say and how to say it so I would never be called racist again. As always, we reap what we sow, and through my actions I created artificial, surface relationships with colleagues of color and kept my distance from other white people by trying to make myself look good at their expense.
“Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed.” Friedrich Nietzsche
doing better one day at a time. As the Rev. Dr. Jamie Washington reminds us with one of his Diverse Community Foundations, “It is not our fault, but we must accept responsibility.” I couldn’t control how I was socialized or what racist beliefs I unconsciously absorbed in my youth. It is not our fault that we learned and believed the underlying racist messages that permeate our society, but we now must take responsibility for what we learned, honestly own and interrogate all that we were taught, and then commit to a daily practice of eradicating these racist beliefs and actions from our lives.
demand things be done in ways that reflect white cultural norms. As a result, whites often take over or insert themselves into projects or conversations because we think we know more and can do it more efficiently.
www.drkathyobear.com/racebook,
we believe organizations and white cultural practices are good and fair, many of us tend to dismiss and minimize frustrations of people of color as complaints by employees that “have a bad attitude” or who aren’t a “team player”.
feel defensive when people of color raise issues and want them to “just get over it” so we can all move on. In addition, if there is possibly one situation that we think could have involved race dynamics, we are quick to rationalize it away as an isolated incident and a misunderstanding because we insist that the white person who did something inappropriate is a good person and would never do something like that. This type of rationalization is grounded in the positive bias that whites are good-hearted people who would never intentionally do anything harmful.
One root of this is our white cultural belief in individualism and the subsequent mindset that everything that happens to people is a result of their own individual actions: If something bad happened to a person of color, it was probably because of something they did or didn’t do. Most whites do not yet have the willingness or capacity to acknowledge the cumulative impact of the years, decades, and centuries of racism that people of color experience. We rationalize away any incident by blaming the victim, refusing to consider the pervasive impact of institutional racism. All of these examples
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It is possible to live another way, and we must do our part, every single day, to accept responsibility for the impact of our racist attitudes and actions, and consistently choose to respond differently, in ways that create true racial justice. If we do not, we will continue to dehumanize people of color, and in the process, dehumanize ourselves.
Instead of calling white people out from a stance of self-righteous anger or from an ego-driven desire to be seen as the “good white,” I am far more likely today to move into the conversation from a compassionate place because I recognize in myself what they have said or done. I no longer have to attack them in order to deny I have done the very same behaviors. I now have the tools and emotional clarity, on most days, to meet whites where they are, relate to them by letting them know I have had similar racist thoughts and made similar racist comments, and then offer them what I have learned
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join you in this vision of treating people of color with dignity and respect. Today, I think some people use the term color-blind in a different way to try to discount and minimize the common racist dynamics that exist, to try to convince others we are ‘post racial.’ I trust that wasn’t your intent, though my guess is this was the impact you may have had on people just now.” I paused and he said, “No, that was not my intent, but I can see your point.” As I moved to refocus back on the rest of the participants, I said, “Over the years I have learned that I have to be vigilant about seeing color
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ego-hit from showing up as the “good white,” but I probably would never have another chance to engage this person again to deepen our relationship or further learning and growth. And most disturbing to me, I modeled behaviors that may have given other whites permission to be overly aggressive as they confront other whites in similarly unproductive ways. I am deeply committed to “leave no one behind,” and I intentionally try to build a connection with other white people who have just said something offensive to create a container within which they can deepen awareness and stay involved in the
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staying silent for fear of being called racist. As a result, we do not show up as our authentic selves and often have very superficial relationships with people of color in our organizations and in our personal lives. I know I have wasted so much time and energy fronting and performing around people of color, feeling awkward and uncomfortable in the process.
Another deeply impactful cost of racism for white people is the corroding impact of believing racist stereotypes and prejudice. It is severely debilitating for whites to carry this level of fear, distrust, and hatred towards people of color. These racist attitudes result in so much negativity in our lives and poison our relationships with others and with ourselves. We are weighed down by the illusion of danger and constantly fear for our safety. We limit our choices of where we live and work, who our friends are, where our children go to school, where we worship, what media and news we listen
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Another problem with this patronizing approach of helping people of color is that I came from a deficit model and only focused on how racism devastated the lives of people of color. I was fixated on correcting these problems and fixing what I thought were the deficits of people of color. I never looked at how whiteness and internalized dominance were showing up in my actions and how I was part of the problem. I tried to present myself as the white savior, all the while expecting and demanding that people of color constantly recognize and thank me for all that I was doing for them. When I
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This term refers to the hyper-sensitivity and defensiveness of white people when we experience someone naming our racist behavior. White fragility keeps white people stuck in our negative emotions of guilt, helplessness, and defensiveness.
one of the only ways I got any relief from my deep shame was to blame and shame other white people as I aggressively confronted them on their racist behaviors. As long as I could focus on others and judge them, I could avoid focusing on myself. I thought I was doing good work, when in reality, I was rarely very helpful. In fact, my actions may have interfered with the growth and development of the white people with whom I interacted. I was coming out of negative and selfish intentions: trying to prove I was a good white person at their expense.
walking on eggshells
building a community of support and accountability with other whites. I was only able to begin this transition after I started to do a deeper layer
One of the biggest surprises in this process was the feeling of compassion I began to experience for myself and for other white people for the destructive impact of the racist socialization in our lives. I felt deep grief for how I had traded my humanity for the illusion of superiority and white privilege, and I discovered a new ground of being from which to engage other whites. I believe the first step to healing internalized dominance is to admit and own the truth about our racist behaviors and then to sit with the pain of realizing the impact we have had on people of color. This process is
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responding out of unconscious competence.
Engage out of compassion Finally, it is essential that we consistently do enough of our own self-work and healing to engage other whites out of a space of compassion and care while we also hold them accountable for efforts to change their racist values, attitudes, and behaviors. As we identify the multitude of times we have acted out of internalized dominance and racist attitudes, we may develop the necessary humility to connect with whites as peers and colleagues as we support each other’s healing and growth.
AWARE LA, https://awarela.wordpress.com. AWARE stands for Alliance of White Anti-Racists
“White Supremacy Culture” (Okun, 2001).
http://www.dismantlingracism.org/uploads/4/3/5/7/43579015/whitesupcul13.pdf.
Hiring practices were the most frequently cited examples of institutional racism
every white person as well as every person of color that is hired must be culturally competent.
unwritten rules of performance.
What if I made a mistake? What if I made it worse? What would people think of me? I might look foolish, and people will realize I am not as competent as they think I am. The truth is, my silence was a clear indicator of my degree of competence. When I feel caught off-guard or experience a new type of racist situation, I often freeze and believe I don’t know what to do. I feel triggered, and all the tools I know and teach seem to disappear from my toolkit.
The fact that she is a well-intended colleague has me hopeful that she will care about her unintended impact and want to stay in the conversation to better understand what happened.”
one of their marginalized identities. The most common examples I experience occur when women talk about experiencing sexism or sexual violence, people who grew up poor or working class talk about the pain of classism in their lives, and people who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual share the anguish and fear of facing homophobia and heterosexism in their organization and in society.
Have you ever engaged a person of color in an attempt to prove you were not racist or to get them to approve of your efforts as a white ally? Or have you ever spoken up in a meeting to try to smooth over conflict or to claim the title of “the good white” in the room? I have reacted out of all of these unproductive intentions as well as many more that fueled my ineffective interactions with white people, including wanting to be seen as the most competent white person in the room; aiming to “take out” whites who say something racist; and trying to win the argument that proves I am right and
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meet people where they are; relate in and connect; treat others with respect and dignity; leave no one behind; do no harm; leave people feeling whole; and model the behaviors and values I espouse.
personally don’t call people racist. Instead, I focus on their racist behaviors and attitudes that perpetuate the racist status quo. This is a practical strategy that I find more productive in my work. I believe we all
