The five stages of Holy Shit I Just Broke a Chair in Front of People: 1. Denial. “I’m not on the floor, you’re on the floor!!” 2. Anger. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU BUY CHAIRS AT A RESALE SHOP, BITCH. 3. Bargaining. “Please, God, if you kill everyone in this dining room right now, I promise I will try to recycle all of the SlimFast cans I swear I’m going to start buying.” 4. Depression. “I am fat enough to kill chairs. I don’t deserve oxygen.” 5. Acceptance. “Welp, since I’m already fat, fuck these toast points; let’s get a pizza.” Turns out Mavis hadn’t put the chair together correctly, but
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