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Some folks have had sex only with members of one gender but know that they have within themselves the ability to connect erotically or emotionally with more than one gender and thus consider themselves bisexual.
our sexual attractions may say one thing about us, while our sexual behaviors say another, and our gender identity says yet a third.
not to assume that any couple that appears to be a man and a woman is in fact a heterosexual couple. One or both of them may be bisexual, trans, or queer in any number of other ways.
Mother (Father?) Nature doesn’t believe in only two genders
Listen to your fears: they have a lot to teach you about yourself.
How many times have you rejected the possibility of love because it didn’t look the way you expected it to? Perhaps some characteristic was missing you were sure you must have, some other trait was present that you never dreamed of accepting. What happens when you throw away your expectations and open your eyes to the fabulous love that is shining right in front of you, holding out its hand?
The cultural ban on having sex with your friends is an inevitable offshoot of a societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a monogamous, marriage-like relationship. We believe, on the other hand, that friendship is an excellent reason to have sex, and that sex is an excellent way to maintain a friendship.
Monogamish is an agreement between both halves of a couple that their bond takes precedence over any outside connections, but that the occasional brief fling is acceptable and perhaps even desirable for keeping the home fires burning.
Some people who have already made the journey cite benefits like sexual variety, less dependence on a single relationship, or a sense of belonging to a network of friends, lovers, and partners.
Let’s remember to honor the courage it takes to ask for support, to share vulnerable feelings.
Look at your public behavior—are you comfortable introducing your partner to the cute number you are flirting with at a wild party? We figure any cutie who would be put off by meeting our spouses will likely make trouble in the future, so it’s better if we find out now.
People tend to live up to your standards when you are not afraid to set them.
To truly know yourself is to live on a constant journey of self-exploration, to learn about yourself from reading, therapy, and, best of all, talking incessantly with others who are traveling on similar paths.
No one “makes” you feel jealous or insecure— the person who makes you feel that way is you.
Owning your feelings is basic to understanding the boundaries of where you end and the next person begins and the perfect first step toward self-acceptance and self-love.
Knowing, loving, and respecting yourself is an absolute prerequisite to knowing, loving, and respecting someone else.
the enemy of shame is curiosity
To be an ethical slut you need to have very good boundaries that are clear, strong, flexible, and, above all, conscious.
It is basic to any relationship, and particularly important in open relationships, that no one can own another person.
We cannot live through a partner, nor can we assume that just because we have a lover, all our needs should automatically be satisfied. Many of us have been taught that if our lover does not meet every need, this must not be true love, our lover must be somehow inadequate, or we must be at fault—too needy or undeserving or some other sin.
You need to figure out where your limits are, what constitutes comfortable distance or closeness between yourself and others in various situations, and particularly the ways in which you and your lovers are individual and unique.
Some people habitually respond to a lover’s pain and confusion with an intense desire to fix something. Fix-it messages can feel like invalidation to the person who is trying to express an emotion. “Why don’t you just do this…try that…forget about it…relax!” sends the message that the person expressing the emotion has overlooked some obvious and simple solution and is an idiot for feeling bad in the first place.
If you are attracted to someone who is looking for a life partnership and what you want is a lighthearted affair (or vice versa), you need to be honest about that, even if that means saying, “No, thank you” to sex until your feelings for each other are more on a par.
Many women have been taught that it is unfeminine to say no directly. Ask yourself: When was the last time you said no to sex? How did you do it? Was it with a polite and friendly but unmistakable “No, thanks”? Or was it with “Not tonight; I’ve got a headache” or “Maybe another time” or “I’ll think about it”? We strongly suggest you work out a “No, thanks” that feels comfortable to you; expecting the interested party to read your mind and somehow know that your “maybe…” means “no” is neither ethical nor slutty.
The best, most successful, and least obnoxious cruisers we know, of all genders and orientations, are friendly, curious folks who like most people and are interested in talking to everyone. If some of the people they talk to turn into potential relationships, so much the better.
If consent is at the core of ethical sluthood—and it is—your partners must be able to give informed consent to whatever risks are involved in having sex with you. You, of course, have the right to expect that same honesty from them.
How are we to teach our children to say no to an abusive adult if we are not frank about what it is that they should say no to?
Fear of being sexually inadequate can add up to a very deep and secret wound. But allow us to reassure you that eventually, when you succeed in establishing the lifestyle you are dreaming about, you will be so familiar with so many different individuals’ ways of expressing sexuality that you will no longer have to wonder how your sexuality compares to another’s; you’ll know from direct experience.
The challenge comes in learning to establish within yourself a strong foundation of safety in your relationship that is not dependent on sexual exclusivity. This difficult work is part of the larger question of how to grasp your personal power and learn to understand and love yourself without another person to validate you. You become free to give and receive validation, not from need or obligation, but from love and caring. We suggest most strongly that you put some effort into learning to validate yourself: you’re worth it.
One way to do this is simply by allowing yourself to feel it. Just feel it. It will hurt, and you will feel frightened and confused, but if you sit still and listen to yourself with compassion and support for the scared child inside, the first thing you will learn is that the experience of jealousy is survivable.
Jealousy is an emotion that arises inside you; no person and no behavior can “make” you jealous. Like it or not, the only person who can make that jealousy hurt less or go away is you.
When you hold still with your jealousy, you will find that it is possible to feel something difficult without doing anything you don’t choose to do.
You hurt a lot, so surely it must be somebody’s fault! But sometimes there is great pain, and there is no villain.
When we tell our partners that we feel jealous, we are making ourselves vulnerable in a very profound way. When our partners respond with respect, listen to us, validate our feelings, and support and reassure us, we feel better taken care of than we would have if no difficulty had arisen in the first place.
The problem, as we see it, is not to avoid fighting, but to learn to fight in ways that are not destructive—physically, morally, or emotionally.
The first thing to recognize is that nothing can get resolved in this adrenalized state. The flight or fight responses to adrenaline give us tremendous energy to survive a crisis but not very much in the way of common sense.
Emotions are not opinions, they are facts—truths about what people are experiencing.
When it’s your turn to listen to how your lover feels, put yourself in listening mode. Remember, feelings like to be heard and validated, so don’t analyze or try to explain things.
People frequently approach a disagreement as if it were urgent that it be resolved right away. They strive for a resolution within minutes of discovering that they don’t agree about something—something that they have in fact never agreed on.
consent, which we define as an active collaboration for the pleasure and well-being of all concerned.
When difficulties arise, we recommend spending as little time as possible trying to figure out what went wrong. Instead, invest your energy in figuring out what you’re going to do next.
Many of us need some support in asking for what we want. We need to feel sure that the needs we reveal will not be held against us.
“Fairness means we care about how each person feels and make agreements to help all of us feel as good as possible.”
When you first set out, some of these discussions may get quite heated: remember, anger is an emotion that tells you what is important to you. What is constructive about these difficult times is what you learn about your partners and about yourself.
remember, anger is an emotion that tells you what is important to you.
Knowing what you want up front can prevent a lot of misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.
You may not know in advance what kind of relationship will develop with the person who intrigues you tonight, and that person may not fit whatever space in your life you thought you were looking to fill. Taking people as they come, how they are, and today, can lead you to wonderful surprises that more than make up for the occasional disappointment. So watch out for your preconceptions and be ready to approach new people with an open mind and an open heart.
Consider the wide spectrum of relationship options available to you—perhaps the one that best fits your needs may not be what you thought you were looking for. Meanwhile, we feel sure that you entered into this potentially difficult situation because there is a great deal that you treasure in this particular relationship and that the value of your love together outweighs the differences between you.
Each relationship seeks its own level when we let it. Operating on this principle, we can welcome each of our partners for precisely who they are: we don’t need them to be anybody else or to bring us any particular resources or skills.
sex and romance, no matter how spectacular, are not reliable predictors of satisfaction and peace of mind in a long-term relationship.
