Why Won't You Apologise?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

When you have fairly solid self-esteem you can admit to being in the wrong, without feeling like you’re weakening the fabric of the self, or losing something to the other person. In my work as a therapist, I’ve heard countless theories that my clients put forth about that person in their lives who won’t step up to the apology plate. Here’s a brief sampling. Each of these explanations is a bit different, but each speaks to the same essential theme of shaky self-esteem: “God forbid my sister would apologize for being wrong, because she makes a show of being a perfect person with the perfect life. She once had a shame attack because I came to visit one afternoon and she was napping. Underneath, I think she feels lousy about herself.” “My supervisor is so insecure that apologizing would make him feel like the wolf who bares his neck to his attacker as an admission of defeat, like he’s lost his status in the group hierarchy.”