Why Won't You Apologise?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts

by Harriet Lerner

words, “We have to talk.”

calm emotional field that will allow two people to talk

There is no greater challenge than that of listening without defensiveness, especially when we don’t want to hear what the other person is telling us.

It’s impossible to overstate how difficult it is to shift out of defensive mode. When someone approaches us in an angry or critical way, our automatic set point is listening for what we don’t agree with. It’s so automatic that it takes motivation, courage, and goodwill to observe our defensiveness and practice stepping away from it.

If only our passion to understand the other person were as great as our passion to be understood.

The perfectionist walks a tightrope above a canyon of low self-esteem. People

who need to have it “all together” are in touch with their competence, but lose sight of the fact that we are all error-prone, imperfect human beings. It may therefore feel too risky to admit to error or wrongdoing, even to oneself. Perfectionists fail to identify with the wise words of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross: “I’m not okay, you’re not okay, and that’s okay.”

When you have fairly solid self-esteem you can admit to being in the wrong, without feeling like you’re weakening the fabric of the self, or losing something to the other person. In my work as a therapist, I’ve heard countless theories that my clients put forth about that person in their lives who won’t step up to the apology plate. Here’s a brief sampling. Each of these explanations is a bit different, but each speaks to the same essential theme of shaky self-esteem: “God forbid my sister would apologize for being wrong, because she makes a show of being a perfect person with the perfect life. She once had a shame attack because I came to visit one afternoon and she was napping. Underneath, I think she feels lousy about herself.” “My supervisor is so insecure that apologizing would make him feel like the wolf who bares his neck to his attacker as an admission of defeat, like he’s lost his status in the group hierarchy.”

“My husband is so controlling and rigid that when he’s criticized he goes into debate mode, turns things around, and makes it the other person’s fault.”

“There’s no way my brother is ever going to apologize to his wife because he feels so inadequate in her eyes. It would only give her more ammunitio...

Nothing devastates self-worth like the experience of shame—the feeling of being essentially flawed, inadequate, and out of the flow of human connection.

Shame and guilt are distinctly different emotions. Guilt is what we feel when we behave in a way that violates our core values and beliefs—assuming, of course, that our conscience is in good working order. The experience of guilt is usually tied to specific behaviors that we’re not especially proud of, like betraying a friend’s confidence, or hurting someone in the name of honesty.

Deep down we believe that another person couldn’t possibly love or respect us if he or she really knew the whole, pitiful, god-awful truth about us.

To guard against the intolerable feeling of shame, we may fold ourselves up and hide in the darkest corner.

We may apologize for taking up too much space or for using up too much of the valuable oxygen in the room. Or we may do the opposite and flip shame into contempt, arrogance, a need to control, and displays of one-upmanship, dominance, and superiority. In the l...

It took me a long time to fully appreciate that the person who feels essentially superior is no different than the person who feels essentially inferior. In both cases it will be challenging for the shame-based person to apologize wisely and well.

the human capacity for self-deception is extraordinary.

Self-protective explanations often shift the blame onto the harmed party as ever deeper levels of self-deception come into play. One tells oneself, “She really asked for it,” “I did it for his own good,” or “It was necessary,” and even “It never happened.”

When our identity and sense of worth are at risk of being diminished or annihilated, we will not be able to offer a true apology and face all that the challenge of earning back trust entails. We are more likely to wrap ourselves in a blanket of rationalization, minimization, and denial in order to survive. Defensiveness is no longer merely a roadblock that we can observe and get past after we calm down and limber up the thinking part of our brain. When we have lost sight of our value and worth, defensiveness is where we live.

We have the best chance to reach people who do serious harm in treatment programs that do not label them as bad or sick, but rather enhance self-respect while accepting no excuses for violent behavior. When one has physically harmed another person, the words “I’m sorry” are obviously not enough. More is required. The offending party may do jail time, public service, or meaningful volunteer work. One man I worked with who had hit his wife worked Saturday mornings and gave the money to a safe house for women, as part of his desire to show his wife how seriously he took his past out-of-control behavior.

“I know he cheated on me because of his childhood abuse, but I shot him because of mine.”

The wrongdoer cannot maintain honor and dignity when denied agency and allowed to rely on excuses and psychological rationalizations. While we need to consider how the past and the present affect behavior, a difficult personal history or painful current circumstance doesn’t cause a person to behave badly. Most people who have suffered a traumatic past or horrific present do not go on to harm others. Instead, many such people become loving parents and good citizens—adults who develop gifts that benefit us all.

No person can be more honest with us than they can be with their own self.

Before you open up a conversation with a person who has harmed you, keep in mind that protecting yourself comes first. Reduce your expectations to zero for getting the response you want and deserve. Speak your truths because you need to speak for your own self—because this is the ground you want to stand on, irrespective of whatever response you receive. A heartfelt apology is unlikely to be forthcoming, now or ever.

Paradoxically, it’s in our most enduring and important relationships that we’re least likely to be our most mature and thoughtful selves.

We can apologize for what we do. We cannot apologize for who we are.