Grace Based Discipline: How to Be at Your Best When Your Kids Are at Their Worst

by Karis Kimmel Murray

Faith—a deep conviction or belief that results in the submission of our intellect, will, and actions to God. Regardless of circumstances, trusting that God is good and that we need Him. Integrity—who you are when no one is looking. Stopping at the red light in the middle of the night, even when there are no other cars on the road and no one is coming from either direction in the intersection. Telling the truth, even when it comes at a high personal cost to you. Poise—a keen sense of the appropriate. An intuitive wisdom that weighs the needs and best interest of the moment against the backdrop of truth and integrity. Self-Discipline—being willing to do the hard but right things. Putting momentary pleasures and conveniences at a distant second to doing what needs to be done. Never sacrificing the permanent on the altar of the immediate. Endurance—seeing commitments through till the end, especially when you want to quit. Keeping your word. Completing what you start. Crossing the finish line even if you are so beaten and battered that you must rely on the shoulder of a comrade to help you across. Courage—being willing to sacrifice your personal safety to defend the defenseless. Confronting that which makes you afraid with the truth that God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do. Recognizing that fear is a legitimate emotion, but not necessarily the best indicator of what we should do. Fear can inform our response but must never dictate our reaction.

selfishness, and our kids are no different. Often, some of the most infuriating behaviors that end up in our basket, especially if we have older kids, are words they say or actions they take based on a selfish attitude that’s permeating their lives. While these problems can seem the most deeply engrained and difficult to shift, there’s an antidote to attitude, a reset switch that can help rewire pervasive selfishness: service.

basis. A kid who’s struggling with a chronic bad attitude needs an outlet to serve. They need opportunities to volunteer their time, labor, talents, and skills to help others.

For example, don’t give your strong-willed four-year-old a withering stare and sigh when he defies you. He doesn’t care about your withering stare. He’s like Rocky Balboa saying, “Is that all you got?” Your frustrated sigh feels good to him. He pins it to his chest like a merit badge. Or after a particularly dreadful stint in the doctor’s waiting room, telling your two-year-old, “Shredding all those magazines was a very bad choice and now you can’t go to the park with your friend Emma on Thursday” is about as effective as discussing Russian literature with your parakeet. Two-year-olds don’t have a social life. Time with their friends is not their currency. They’re not thinking about Thursday. They don’t even understand the concept of time . . . or friends!

Examples of consequences that act on toddlers’ primary currency (having) are removing desired object from child; removing child from desired object, room, person, or anything they are trying to possess; or straightforward physical discipline like spanking25 or swatting a hand.

Examples of consequences that act on preschoolers’ primary currency (doing) are removing the child from the activity they are enjoying at the time, isolating the child for a time-out, or straightforward physical discipline like spanking or swatting a hand.

Examples of consequences that act on school-aged children’s primary currency (being) are removing an object from their possession or stalling an activity that they want to do, especially objects and activities that they prioritize because they perceive those objects and activities as ways that they are able to be with people/friends they value; isolating them from people they want to be with; or removing ongoing or future privileges (more commonly known as “grounding”).

Examples of consequences that act on tweens’ primary currency (belonging) are “grounding,” removal of valued objects/activities, and repayment of damages (can be paid back with money, time, labor, or other creative exchanges).

Examples of consequences that act on teens’ primary currency (independence) include grounding, restricting curfew, removing valued objects and activities such as cell phones or cars/driving, or demanding repayment for damages with money, labor, or other creative exchanges. The facts that teenagers are fiercely independent and have underdeveloped wisdom but also hormone-fueled energy and supercharged emotions are true. But they are not the whole truth.

A note of caution: make sure to choose words that label the behavior and not your child. For example, if your child lies to you say, “That was a lie,” or, “What you just said isn’t true.” Don’t say, “You are a liar.” If your child is bullying their younger sibling say, “That’s bullying,” or, “That was unkind.” Don’t say, “You’re a bully.” Our words have power, especially the words we speak over our children. Their behavior determines what they do; it doesn’t have to define who they are. In fact, when we’re careful to tag behavior without labeling our kids, the unspoken message is, “What you did was wrong but I believe you are more than that!”

For example, your six-year-old, high-energy, strong-willed son often gets frustrated and tends to take out his frustration physically by hitting you, his sister, your antique lamp, anything within range. You consistently tag the behavior, correct him, and give consequences, but the behavior keeps happening. So on Saturday morning, you take him to the sporting goods store and have him help you pick out a punching bag. You set up the punching bag in a central part of the house and any time you see him getting ready to hit, you say, “Punching bag” to remind him to hit the bag instead.