Spoiler Alert: The Hero Dies: A Memoir of Love, Loss, and Other Four-Letter Words

by Michael Ausiello

“Actually, I have a small favor to ask . . .” he said, the inflection in his voice suggesting said favor might be a size or two up from small. “I need you to stop by my apartment and, um, clean it up before my mom’s arrival.” “You mean hide stuff?” I clarified. “Pretty much,” he said. “I don’t remember what’s out in the open, but . . .” “I don’t have a key,” I interrupted. “Kirby will be home,” Kit noted, clearly having thought this through. “Just knock on the door and he’ll let you in. Explain that I’m in the hospital and you’re picking up a few things for me.” “OK . . .” I replied, barely hiding my concern about the prospect of being alone with the allegedly unpredictable, unpleasant Kirby. I’d never witnessed his volatile behavior firsthand. And the few times we had crossed paths in the apartment, he had been perfectly civil to me. But Kit had built him up to be something of a monster, a characterization he was now backpedaling on. “Don’t worry,” Kit said. “He’s not going to murder you. And if he does, you had a good life.” “Well, if he does murder me, you’re going to have a tough time explaining to your mother what that crusty washcloth on your nightstand is for,” I shot back. “Good point,” he said. “Well, you better protect yourself then. You’re an athlete after all.” “This conversation is endlessly amusing, but I have a sex dungeon to sterilize, so I better be off.” “I love yoooou,” Kit keened playfully. “Mmhmm,” I harrumphed with a mix of faux annoyance and real ann...