The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully

by Frank Ostaseski

Karen Horney, the German psychoanalyst credited with founding feminist psychology, wrote about three human coping strategies for dealing with basic anxiety. They are applicable both to how we reacted to criticism as children and to how we continue to respond to the inner critic today: • Some of us move away by withdrawing, hiding, collapsing, keeping secrets, and silencing ourselves. We avoid conflict. Maybe you went to your room, perhaps you quietly watched TV as you tried to absorb the judgment or simply endure it. • Some of us move toward by seeking to please and accommodate, negotiate, persuade, and explain. Maybe you did extra schoolwork, tried to be helpful around the house, or always were well behaved in order to earn approval. • Some us move against by trying to gain power over others. We rebel or fight back. Maybe you talked back, yelled, acted with hostility, slammed doors, or snuck out the window and did what you wanted. Here is the problem with all of these strategies: they still give the inner critic all the power. We remain caught up in reacting to authority instead of creatively choosing our own path. To undo this old habit, we need strength.