New Year, Same Trash: Resolutions I Absolutely Did Not Keep (A Vintage Short Original)

by Samantha Irby

“don’t leave the mayonnaise-covered in-case-I-want-another-sandwich knife balanced on the edge of the sink, just wash it and use it again later, you dummy.”

But, as many anxious depressives know, some mornings just stepping from the bath mat into the tub is the most taxing thing anyone could ever expect you to do. So I changed this to “take a pill every day,” and so far that is going smashingly.

I still don’t know anything about wine, because I don’t really like the way wine tastes. I don’t know why admitting that feels so shameful and juvenile to me, but it does. I don’t like coffee either, unless you understand coffee to mean “milk shake reminiscent of coffee.”

39. Make my lunch every day. How do you people who do this on the regular actually get it done? Because I can have a freezer stuffed with Amy’s meals, and I still have to stick a Post-it on the door so I don’t forget to grab one on the way out. Are you guys really making sandwiches in the morning? HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage.

59. Buy absorbent towels. I am grappling with a lot of “Oh shit, I’m not cool anymore” feelings as I creep ever closer to forty, and nothing makes me feel less rad than the fact that I wrote this sentence down, in earnest, last December.