New Year, Same Trash: Resolutions I Absolutely Did Not Keep (A Vintage Short Original)

by Samantha Irby

As soon as I come up with a list of major flaws and bad habits I’d like to change, my brain sees that as a challenge and wants to do all those things even harder.

Jesus, my poor stupid blog. Here’s the thing: sometimes interesting stuff happens to me, and sometimes it just doesn’t.

The Museum of Contemporary Art is definitely where you’re going to find your manic pixie dream girl, gazing thoughtfully at an installation while sipping an overpriced wine and nodding her artfully styled head appreciatively to whatever obscure dance record is bumping through the speakers overhead.

Brunch is like having a wedding for your breakfast, and if you’re foolish enough to agree to a meal with my stupid friends, better bring your roomiest Amex, because these dudes are always like, “Let’s get a bunch of things and share!”

Mix that all together and pour into a mason jar—so people at work will know how healthy and Pinteresting you are—then stick it in the fridge overnight.

That's A new verb.

Try that coconut-oil-swishing thing that everyone on the internet was into for a hot second. I tried it, once, and it was like trying to gargle with a mouthful of butter.

20. Drink tons more water. I DON’T HAVE TIME TO PEE THIS MUCH.

Preach!

No awkward discussions over a grocery-store cheese plate in someone’s real apartment, just sassing on Facebook about books we’re too goddamn old for.

I spent the next three nights eating handfuls of the leftover cheese while dreading ever making another selection! Can’t wait to do it again next month!!!

I don’t like coffee either, unless you understand coffee to mean “milk shake reminiscent of coffee.” And what’s the point of that when you could just get something that’s actually delicious and doesn’t taste like burning?

29. See more smart movies in the theater. I saw The Secret Life of Pets, and, since I hate loud noises and I don’t speak tween, it was the hardest I’ve worked to understand something all year.

36. Keep my goddamned plants alive. Three out of seven are still hanging on. Win.

Then he leaves, wondering why one lonely person ordered so many rolls of super-strong toilet paper.

hate weather, I love wearing sunglasses all the time, and no one shames you for getting in your car to run an errand a block away.

I love Detroit, because it’s like Chicago but without Cubs fans and terrible traffic.

Shots fired.

47. Learn to meditate without falling asleep. Tried twice, fell asleep twice. 48. Try to think positively. Can’t. Everything is garbage.

Like a seven year old, I absolutely love getting (non-bill) mail. I love it so much that I’m totally going to go broke, since the only motivation I have to get up and go downstairs some days is knowing that there will be a package waiting for me.

51. Be honest about shit that is overwhelming to me. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME. I’M STRESSED, HOE.

55. Get an accountant. FOR WHAT MONEY?

Helen Keller, that mean asshole, lost three real pounds last year, which is like fifty in human pounds. And then she lost all her pounds, because I had to put her down.

That Escalated Very quick!