New Year, Same Trash: Resolutions I Absolutely Did Not Keep (A Vintage Short Original)

by Samantha Irby

Brunch is like having a wedding for your breakfast,

But, as many anxious depressives know, some mornings just stepping from the bath mat into the tub is the most taxing thing anyone could ever expect you to do. So I changed this to “take a pill every day,” and so far that is going smashingly.

Okay, this is a really honest statement about depression.

don’t really like the way wine tastes. I don’t know why admitting that feels so shameful and juvenile to me, but it does. I don’t like coffee either, unless you understand coffee to mean “milk shake reminiscent of coffee.”

She and I could be friends.

52. Get better at accepting edits and criticism, but only when it comes to my work. “Keep in mind that I’m an artist, and I’m sensitive about my shit.” Badu (and me, duh).

It’s not good manners to blurt “Look, man, I’m done talking” without the person on the other end either continuing to chatter on uninterrupted,

This is why I don't call Gramma.