Eliza and Her Monsters

by Francesca Zappia

She is beloved by all, even the villain, because without her the villain wouldn’t exist.

That computer is my rabbit hole; the internet is my wonderland. I am only allowed to fall into it when it doesn’t matter if I get lost.

I like being invisible, not having someone look at me like I should be.

I should have grown out of it. I should want to be social. I should desire friends I can see with my eyes and touch with my hands. But I don’t want to be friends with people who have already decided I’m too weird to live.

There is a small monster in my brain that controls my doubt. The doubt itself is a stupid thing, without sense or feeling, blind and straining at the end of a long chain. The monster, though, is smart. It’s always watching, and when I am completely sure of myself, it unchains the doubt and lets it run wild. Even when I know it’s coming, I can’t stop it.

I am an absolute wreck of a human being, and right now I am completely okay with it.

How can I want something so badly but become so paralyzed every time I even think about taking it?

I don’t want to be the girl who freezes when confronted with new friends, or the outside world, or the smallest shred of intimacy. I don’t want to be alone in a room all the time. I don’t want to feel alone in a room all the time, even when there are other people around.

Truth is the worst monster, because it never really goes away.

The things you care most about are the ones that leave the biggest holes.

Nature doesn’t care if we throw ourselves against it and break a few bones. Nature doesn’t care if we feel so heavy we might sink into the ground and never be able to pull ourselves out again.

Broken people don’t hide from their monsters. Broken people let themselves be eaten.

Eliza, your worth as a person is not dependent on the art you create or what other people think of it.”

Creating art is a lonely task, which is why we introverts revel in it,

Like life, what gives a story its meaning is the fact that it ends. Our stories have lives of their own—and it’s up to us to make them mean something.