Paint It All Red (Mindf*ck, #5)

by S.T. Abby

Love is not supposed to be beautiful. It’s supposed to be a raw, gritty struggle that forces you to face the most vulnerable parts of yourself, so that when the good times come, you can savor and enjoy them, fully appreciate what they’re worth. Otherwise, you take it all for granted. —Lana Myers

“Lana Myers is not Kennedy Carlyle.” He looks genuinely confused, and I hand him the same folder. “Lana Myers is Victoria Evans.”

“She loved you. She had two visions of how this would all go. One ended with you loving her as much as she loves you, and you’d stand by her no matter what, feel her pain as if it was your own. Unfortunately, you chose option number two, proving me right, even though I desperately wanted you to prove me wrong.”

It was a fool-proof plan. I thought the worst thing I could do was go insane from the dark depths I had to reach. Turns out, falling in love was truly the worst. The darkness is just my twisted little friend.

“He’s so pure. So good. So honest and genuine. So gentle and kind. It’s all those qualities that made me fall in love, because he was everything—everything!—I’d always wanted in someone. And he loved me. Yet, I wanted to taint the very things about him that made me fall in love, just so I could selfishly take him to the dark with me and keep him. It was wrong.”

“We swore we’d never do this to each other, Lana. Never push the other away no matter how intense the world around us got. You don’t get to fucking send me away because you’re hurting. Got that? You don’t get to use Marcus against me ever again. Understood?”

He wanted happiness for Jake. He wanted wrath from me. He thought Jake too kind for such a task. He knew the anger would burn harshly in my broken heart. He knew I was a monster before I did.

I don’t need to feel love in order to be a monster. I just need to remember. It’s not hard to do with the sun getting close to setting. The dark sky always calls to the memories if I allow it. For once, I let them in.

That was not what I needed. I don’t want one of them trying to save my soul when they’re the reason it’s so damaged. I don’t want one of them trying to preach to me. The hypocrisy is too laughable to even dwell on.

To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. —Confucius

She’s stronger than you’re giving her credit for, and yeah, maybe I’m a sick motherfucker, but I’m on her side.”

Einstein believed that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. By that definition, the judge is clearly insane for thinking the door is going to magically swing open.

As he retches, I come up behind him, finding his lack of fight anti-climatic. These are the men who I feared for so long? One who beats his child and wife, but couldn’t land a single punch on me? One who cries on the floor in the fetal position, praying I’ll disappear like a bad dream, instead of fighting for his life?

“I heard noises that didn’t sound like pleasure—which really should say something about your skills—so I barged in to save your life. From a lesbian who had your dick captive in her vagina. What the hell, Jake?”

They stole. They lied. They brokered peace with the devil in exchange for the souls of an innocent family. Yet you call me the monster. Fuck you. <3

Memory is deceptive because it is colored by today’s events. —Albert Einstein

“Just who the hell are you?” a man’s voice asks. Everyone wants my name. There’s a Rumpelstiltskin joke in there somewhere.

“I never would have hurt you like that if I’d known,” he says softly. I swallow hard. “You didn’t hurt me physically. And as far as the sex goes, I could have stopped it. I knew you knew. I knew what was happening. I just loved you enough to take your anger, knowing I deserved it.”

Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without. —Confucius

But if I hear the details from her mouth, I may end up joining her on her killing spree. I just don’t think I’m strong enough to hear her break down and tell me what they did without killing everyone else involved in all of it.

Now I only see the good when it’s there to see. I’m smarter. They made me smarter. They also made me what I am today—lethal and merciless. I have to believe there was a reason for that, and each time I save someone else from the same possible fate I suffered, I feel a bit closer to Marcus.”

I’ve never once thought of killing someone as a desire. I’ve never blurred that line. That’s not the case at the moment. I hope she fucking kills every last person with a badge who didn’t come to save her when she was left to bleed out.

Any demon is capable of cruelty, but only an angel is majestic enough to rain down vengeance for the innocent. —Marcus Evans

Little eyes see. Little eyes learn. Be a good example for all the little eyes watching you. They’re everywhere. —Jasmine Evans

The wicked can fake nobility, just as the damned can fake innocence. But only the truth will rise from the ashes when we all start to burn. —Victoria Evans

My role is to slaughter; his role is to do all the geek stuff. Killer and geek seems like an odd combination, but the screams we’ve composed from the town make an intoxicating melody.

A wise man knows when the war is lost, and will understand retreat is the only way to save lives. A foolish man will condemn all his followers to death because of his pride. —Robert Evans

If hatred didn’t exist, love wouldn’t either, for one is formed by the other. I love and hate this town. —Marcus Evans

I believe the souls of the wrongfully persecuted often haunt our world, bringing the same grief they feel from beyond the grave. —Jasmine Evans

My father would love this horror movie, because the bad guy finally wins.

One woman screams as the small cuts on her face starts to bleed, and she touches them with shaking hands, going into shock. Weak. Pathetic. All of them. But that’s what tips the scales.

A lot of pain. A lot of healing. And a hell of a lot of tequila. But mostly, I’m here because of Jake.

“Times like these remind me why I can’t give up women. Something about a girl with a gun, and right now, you’re every nerd’s comic-book-sexy fantasy girl.”

I should like to lie at your feet and die in your arms. —Voltaire

People glance at me as I walk through, and Leonard reads my face, his eyes dropping to my empty holster at my hip. I’ve always hated wearing a tie anyway.

Three months ago, I thought I was going to die. But once again, I was saved by a brother, though not the same one.

I’d thought I saw Marcus, but it wasn’t him. It was the other brother. The one who had stood by me through hell and high water, and dragged me out of the pit one last time, saving me just barely in time.

We’re both a little lost right now, trying to find a new purpose to channel all our energy into. Jake has gotten good at fishing—weirdly enough. We’ve both gotten really good at being drunk half the day.

It was the most painful realization. My father’s best friend. My best friend’s father. The same man who had sat at our table for holidays when we were growing up, was the same man who’d sentenced my father to the worst death imaginable.

“You said if you could be anywhere, you’d be in Greece with me. I hoped that meant you came to wait,” he says softly, thumbing my chin. “But your job—” “I left it,” he says, studying my eyes. “And your life—” “Is wherever you are. Guess you shouldn’t have been so perfect if you didn’t want me to love you this much.”

I hope Jake is prepared to be surprised. I also hope she wasn’t just a fling to him, since she’s sort of in Greece right now.

“So this is real. You and me. We’re actually going to get to be together?” “Not possible for you to get rid of me,” he says, kissing my lips. “I can’t believe you’re actually here,”

“I decided if I could choose anywhere in the world to be, it’d be wherever you were,”

I had no idea how much I was missing out on. Life is pretty damn good when you take the time to live it.

Five years ago, I never pictured myself leaving the Bureau and spending my days with a semi-retired serial killer, while walking the beaches of Greece.

Two months after I showed up in Greece, Lana and I got married. It was just the four of us with one officiate, but it was perfect. Hadley and Jake took two years to follow our lead.

“Yeah. We’re just a typical romance,” she deadpans, but her lips lift in a small smile. “Horror romance. That’s a genre, right?” I ask, smiling when she laughs.

“You ready for your present?” I ask her. She grins. “Yes.” I tug her hand in mine and guide her to the lower deck. She follows, practically walking on my heels in her excitement. As soon as we reach the downstairs and her eyes fall on her present, she stops walking, her smile growing bigger. “Where’d you get this?” she asks. “It was actually a favor called in from a friend. Apparently, this one has raped numerous girls up and down the coast, but his father’s diplomatic immunity status has prohibited anyone from being able to touch him. They were in the process of getting that status revoked when his father sent him back to Columbia.”

Lana’s unique, and I wouldn’t change anything about her. Because now I see the world the way it really is, and I know my only place is right by her side.

S.T. Abby is just one of my pen names. My “stabby” name will be for my darker stories.