Option B

by Sheryl Sandberg

I now know that it is possible to experience post-traumatic growth. In the wake of the most crushing blows, people can find greater strength and deeper meaning.

Growing up, I was taught to follow the Golden Rule: treat others as you want to be treated. But when someone is suffering, instead of following the Golden Rule, we need to follow the Platinum Rule: treat others as they want to be treated.

Wherever you are in the circle, offer comfort in and seek comfort out. That means consoling the people who are closer to the tragedy than you are and reaching out for support from those who are farther removed.

Anger is one of the five stages of grief famously defined by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. In the face of loss, we’re supposed to start in denial and move to anger, then to bargaining and depression. Only after we pass through these four stages can we find acceptance. But now experts realize that these are not five stages. They are five states that don’t progress in a linear fashion but rise and fall. Grief and anger aren’t extinguished like flames doused with water. They can flicker away one moment and burn hot the next.

On the six-month anniversary of Dave’s death, I sent them a poem, “Footprints in the Sand.” It was originally a religious parable, but to me it also expressed something profound about friendship.

Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard said that life can only be understood backward but it must be lived forward.

“Let me fall if I must fall. The one I become will catch me.”

He changed me in profound ways by his presence. And he changed me in profound ways by his absence.

Of middle-aged adults who lost a spouse, 54 percent of men were in a romantic relationship a year later compared with only 7 percent of women. Among older adults who lost a spouse, 15 percent of men were dating after six months, compared with less than 1 percent of women. And after two years, 25 percent of men had remarried, compared with just 5 percent of women. Men who start new relationships are judged less harshly. Women are expected to carry the torch of love, and when that flame is extinguished they are supposed to mourn for it longer. The weeping widow lives up to our expectations. The widow who dances and dates does not.

“Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship.”