Option B

by Sheryl Sandberg

To build resilience in a loving, long-term relationship, we need to pay attention to the everyday interactions we have with our partners. In a well-known study, 130 newlyweds were invited to spend the day at the “Love Lab,” which resembled a bed-and-breakfast. The psychologists observed the couples interacting “in the wild” and made predictions about which marriages would last. They were able to predict divorce over the next six years with 83 percent accuracy. A key was buried in the couples’ conversations, which often started with bids for attention, affection, support, or laughter. We are making a bid whenever we say things like “Hey, look at that bird!” or “Are we out of butter?” When a partner makes a bid, the other partner has two choices: to turn away or turn toward. Turning away means dismissing or ignoring the bid. Stop talking about birds, I’m watching TV. Turning toward means engaging. Yep, I’ll go get some butter. And some popcorn to go with it. The newlyweds who stayed together over the next six years turned toward each other 86 percent of the time, while couples who got divorced turned toward each other only 33 percent. Most of the couples’ fights weren’t about money or sex but about “failed bids for connection.” Adam’s colleague Jane Dutton defines a resilient relationship as one that has the capacity to carry intense emotions and withstand strain. It’s more than two resilient individuals connecting—resilience becomes a feature of the connection itself.