The Poet X

by Elizabeth Acevedo

I’ve forced my skin just as thick as I am.

And my name labors out of some people’s mouths in that same awkward and painful way.

Jesus feels like a friend I’ve had my whole childhood who has suddenly become brand-new; who invites himself over too often, who texts me too much. A friend I just don’t think I need anymore.

it’s about knowing that this doubt has already been confirmed.

She tells me this country is too soft and gives kids too many choices.

No one, not even your twin brother, will understand the burden you feel because of your birth;

but even before this day I think I’ve been beginning.

is that reputations last longer than the time it takes to make them.

This was the first time someone gave me a place to collect my thoughts. In some ways, it seemed like he was saying that my thoughts were important. From that day forward I’ve written every single day. Sometimes it seems like writing is the only way I keep from hurting.

what’s the point of God giving me life if I can’t live it as my own? Why does listening to his commandments mean I need to shut down my own voice?

When I’m told to have faith in the father the son in men and men are the first ones to make me feel so small.

Just because your father’s present doesn’t mean he isn’t absent.

Except. I once heard a rumor that goldfish have an evolutionary gene where they’ll only develop as big as the tank they’re put into. They need space to stretch. And I wonder if Twin and I are keeping each other small. Taking up the space that would have let the other grow.

And even that young I learned music can become a bridge between you and a total stranger.

He is not elegant enough for a sonnet, too well-thought-out for a free write, taking too much space in my thoughts to ever be a haiku.

“I’m just a writer . . . but maybe I’d be the Poet X.”

And I think about all the things we could be if we were never told our bodies were not built for them.

The world is almost peaceful when you stop trying to understand it.

I will never let anyone see my full heart and destroy it.