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It started as a rough humanoid outline and became more human with each passing second, until it was clearly that of a young woman with long flowing hair. She would have looked quite normal, and perhaps a bit comely, were she not composed entirely of sentient flame.
“Why me?” “Because you’re a pain in the ass too,” Wade replied. There was nothing accusatory in his statement; he told this to Ivan the same way he’d have given him the time. “You’re stubborn, temperamental, willful, and you scare the shit out of a lot of members. Near as I can see, you’re either the perfect teacher for her, or you’ll kill her in two days. Either outcome solves my problem.”
“I’m going to see if she’s got what it takes to learn under me,” Ivan said. He gently stretched his arms behind his back, noting the rogue popping sounds from various joints. “Fair warning, though: either she passes her entrance exam or it will probably kill her. That going to be an issue?” “No problem at all.”
“That’s what I was thinking, and why I didn’t want one in the first place.” Ivan leaned back in the chair, lazily holding his second BLT. “Honestly, a small part of me hopes I have to kill her. The other option is actually teaching her, which seems far more dangerous. I’m pretty fond of our world, but the last thing it needs is a disciple of Fornax.” “Fornax has been dead for over a decade,” Wade said, crossing his slender hands in his lap. “Tori will be a disciple of Ivan. Nothing more, nothing less.” “Let’s just hope that’s not worse.”
Comfortable and lived-in, the house had the kind of homey aura she’d never seen a fake dwelling accurately replicate… which meant, most likely, that it wasn’t a fake at all. This was where Ivan laid his head—a head that would be at the top of the capes’ hunting lists if they knew it was still on his shoulders.
Tori nodded. She was beginning to see why Ivan held the code so dear. It was a mutual shield, keeping them safe from the superheroes, as well as keeping most of the world safe from villains who reveled in senseless destruction. Order was profitable, chaos less so. Still, she was amazed that they’d managed to get so many criminals to go along with it. Tori would have imagined that many were too stubborn or prideful to accept the wisdom of restraint. And Tori’s instincts, as usual, were spot on, even if she didn’t yet know it.
“It’s a safe, simple, uneventful job, which is precisely why I have it,” Ivan told her. “For one thing, I have a family to support: the pay is both fair and steady. For another, working a job like mine makes me seem like a responsible member of society. It lends credence to the charade that I’m not actually a member of a guild of villains nor a famous former criminal.”
Ivan turned to glare at her, an action which might have been more menacing if he wasn’t holding two onions in his hands. Perhaps realizing the way his menace was undercut by the produce, he set the onions on the cutting board and grabbed a knife.
Sometimes Ivan reminded Tori of the uncanny valley: he was so close to being normal, but then he would give away his strangeness in subtle, unexpected ways.
“You will address me as Teacher,” Ivan informed her, back to his usual authoritative tone. “However, should you need to know it, while in these walls, I am officially called Pseudonym.” Tori stared at him for a long moment, and then began slowly clapping her gloved hands together. “Woooooow. You must have really strained to come up with that one. I’d tip my mask to you, but, you know, that would break the rules about always having it on.” “Your sarcasm is not appreciated,” Ivan said.
“As I was saying, you can feel free to call me Johnny, though my proper code name is slightly longer. It’s Johnny Three Dicks.” Tori let out a noise somewhere between a snort and a cough then quickly tried to pass it off as a chuckle. She wasn’t so prudish that the name particularly offended her, but it did open up a whole slew of questions that Tori both dearly wanted to ask and very much hoped Johnny wouldn’t answer. Thankfully, Ivan retook control of the situation.
Some of the councilors turned to Xelas, who gave a slight nod, then narrowed her metallic eyes and glared at Balaam. Though she did in fact have ocular lasers, Xelas merely chose to metaphorically drill a hole in him for the slight of pointing out an issue in her department.
“Wait, you’re not going to try to kill me again, right?” Ivan smiled and turned toward the kitchen, dishes clinking lightly as he walked. “‘Try’ is a bit of a strong word. Let’s just say that whatever happens, happens.”
“Hot holy damn!” Xelas yelled from her perch on the rocks. “That one is going in the Christmas highlight reel.”
“Let me meet your question with a question: do you really want me to answer that honestly? Remember, I’ve already got a death threat dangling over my head.” “Pshhh, we all have those at some point,” Xelas replied. “Honestly, if I don’t have at least three people actively trying to kill me, I feel like I’ve pissed away a week.”
“Jesus Christ, it’s kind of creepy how logical you are. Sure you aren’t part Vulcan?” “Nah, Spock wasn’t that big on revenge. I’d definitely make you pay for screwing me over. But I don’t really think it’s going to come to that,” Tori said.
“If it’s a trap, then we’re even more screwed.” “At this point, the degree in which we’re screwed is largely academic. We can only die once. And besides, everything we found in the caches—everything—was helpful. If there was ever a time to trust a mysterious magical scroll, this is probably it.”
Beverly found it strangely amusing that in this hive of scum and villainy, the biggest issue of the night was getting beaten in a video game.
“That is exactly right. You seem like a pretty smart guy. Just keep acting smart and we can all get out of here safe and sound. Do what we say, keep it simple, and don’t try to be a hero.” Tori felt fairly certain she was the only one in the room who noticed the slight tug at the corner of Ivan’s mouth before he responded. “I can assure you that is the last thing I ever intend to be.”
“Fair enough. My powers come from a magical source—which is no surprise—that I encountered in my youth. While the exact relationship I have with that source has altered tremendously since the beginning, I’d say things have been constant for the last several decades. Explaining that relationship though... how shall I phrase this?” Ivan drummed his fingers, took a drink from his tea, and finally found the right combination of words that suited his needs. “To put it as simply as possible: I ate a god.”
“Those two-timing rat bastards. They just shot me in the head. Can you believe that? Sure, I was going to rob them too, but I wasn’t planning to kill any of them. And what, for my part of the score? What if they need another safe-cracker? That’s just unprofessional, that’s what it is.”
Johnny adjusted his grip on the beer once more, trying to keep the cardboard from cutting into his palms. While the villain known as Johnny Three Dicks had plenty of talents, enhanced strength wasn’t one of them, nor were invulnerable palms.
“If I wanted to work I’d have stuck to a normal life, thank you very much. I prefer to do things that are fun, especially if they result in me taking home a significant amount of someone else’s money.” “Right, so Johnny doesn’t get to talk tonight,” Arachno Bro suggested. “I’ve known him for over a decade; if you can find a way to shut him up, I’ll pay you half my earnings for the next six months,” Thuggernaut offered.
“Xelas just likes putting on a show. Tonight will be a fun one.” “Ahem, if my cohort would stop undermining my attempts at fear-mongering, I’d greatly appreciate it,” Xelas said.
“What... what the hell is that thing?” Donald was even paler than normal, no small feat for a man with his complexion, and his hands were shaking as he stared down at the monster currently murdering people by the handful.
“War: the only way to win is not to play.” Tori wasn’t sure that everyone would get the War Game quote, but the casual nodding and smiles told her that at least the sentiment had made it through.
“By ‘help,’ do you mean train a meta that owes no allegiance to our guild, or do you mean dispose of someone who knows about your secret? If it’s the former, then no. If it’s the latter, then still no, but I have some other people I can recommend for reasonable rates.” “Oh, pretty please let that just be a terrible joke,” Tori said, unapologetically glaring at her teacher.
“I imagined this would be more akin to opening a cage than handing you an eviction. You’ll be free to go where you like and live in whatever way pleases you, which I imagine will involve a cluttered, messy lab with little more than two plates, a microwave, and a miniature television.” “That’s a weirdly accurate description of my last few places,” Tori admitted.
“Nice as that sounds, you’ll understand if I’m a little suspicious about why you want me to reach out to a superhero,” Tori said. “Putting up with a friendship is one thing, but that borders on you encouraging it.” “Of course I encourage it.” Ivan turned back to his computer, the rhythmic clacking of the keys resuming. “The continued existence of our guild is predicated on us being more trouble to fight than to tolerate. A few friendships across the moral lines only make us less tempting as targets.”
Muttering curses, the vulgar kind rather than the magical sort, Ivan unlocked his door and pulled it open for the man who was both his best friend and the leader of their guild.
“Come on; after a quick debrief, we’re going to call it a night for training,” Ivan said, motioning to the portal. “That means you might be able to squeeze in a whole four hours of sleep between work and your meta-suit.” “What can I say? I’m determined to keep the local coffee shop in business, even if I have to do it by myself.”
Tori had a hunch where this was going. The sly smile on Arachno Bro’s face, or at least the arrangement of mandibles she took to be a smile, told her that she was on the right track.
“Well, since it looks like we’re all about to fucking die, anyone else want to have a last drink with me?”
“Tori?” Donald let out a small laugh and shook his head. “No; I think if she was a meta, she’d be tougher than all of us. Even without a power, she stepped up and kicked ass during the hostage situation. I mean, she had help since the other woman was using her powers on her, but still. It was really impressive; I wish I could have told people about it. Anyway, Tori is human. The one with the powers doesn’t even work in our office, she was just there by coincidence.”
“Maybe you’ll see her again elsewhere,” Ren suggested. “No maybe about it.” Donald reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. “On Monday, we exchanged numbers. As soon as my standby duty is done, I’m calling her up and asking her to get coffee.” His face, already pale, lost a few more shades. “Oh crap, I’m going to have to ask her out if I want to see her again, aren’t I?” Ren put a reassuring arm over his friend’s back and patted him on the shoulder. “On the plus side, now fighting criminals doesn’t seem so scary, does it?”
“How about coffee?” Tori asked, barely concealing her knowing smile. “Can’t stand the stuff.” Because she was turned toward her dresser, Beverly missed the shocked, pained expression that flitted across Tori’s face. “Too bitter, even with cream and sugar. Give me a nice energy drink any day.” Beverly finally pulled out a new t-shirt and looked back over to see Tori staring wide-eyed at the woman she’d thought she knew. “What?” “Nothing, nothing.” Tori shook her head. “Just trying to figure out if we can still be friends after that revelation.”
“You look worried,” he noted. “No shit,” she shot back. “You just told me that if tonight’s job goes well, I’m going to get a payday of over a hundred grand. Those kind of stakes will put anyone on edge.” “As opposed to, say, knowing that if you screwed up, it would probably cost you your life?” Tori shook her head and got up from the table, dishes in hand as she made her way to the kitchen. “You don’t get it, Ivan. That was just my life. This, this is fucking money.”
her, and even if they cuff the suit, she can still slip away,” Thuggernaut pointed out. “It’s a pretty good plan for the spur of the moment. Hopefully the other three can find their own way to withdraw. I am proud of them for not trying to do anything stupid like—” That was when the roar echoed through the room’s speakers, drawing all attention to a previously boring part of the screen and simultaneously leaving Thuggernaut a few shades paler. He opened and closed his mouth several times, but no words came out. Ivan patted the large man gently on the shoulder. “On the plus side,” Ivan said,
...more
The dragon had thrown him into a tree, not just because it meant he wouldn’t be able to attack as it flew away, but because the branches would slow him down enough to make sure he wasn’t killed in the fall. It was tactically sound and also oddly considerate.
“You’re better than I expected.” As Medley talked, the muscles in his thick neck flexed. Hephaestus noticed the twinkling of metal under the parking lot’s giant lights. Of course! The drugs were finally kicking in, and the more he strained, the faster they pumped through his system. “I work out,” Hephaestus replied in her robotic, disguised voice. Yeah, she really needed to see if Ivan had a book on banter or something.
“I’ve got an idea,” Hephaestus said. “Is it a good idea?” “Holy shit, no. But it might work.”
“I want it on the record that I deeply regret coming back to save you.” “So noted,” Hephaestus said.
“This is why I love rookies! A rocket dragon. A fucking rocket dragon! Have we ever had that before?”
“‘Surprisingly competent.’ And the other apprentices all say their mentors gave the best compliments. They got nothing on you, you big softy,” Tori said.
Her first tear fell before Tori fully realized the implications of her revelation. It gave every one of its members a home. A family. And now, that included her. For the first time since she’d sat in a hospital room, watching the life of her parents slip away one tooth-grinding beep at a time, the weight of Tori’s self-imposed loneliness grew just the slightest touch lighter.
“Don’t take this the wrong way,” she began, “but aren’t you the sort that needs a lot of space? I may not know a lot about tech stuff, but I saw you work when we were in the desert. You spread out everywhere. I like you, I do; I just don’t know that I want to live with someone who dominates the living room so they can build mechanical dolphins with grappling hooks for noses.”
Leaning slightly down to emphasize the height difference between them, Ivan lowered his voice and let out a whisper that was almost a hiss. “You have never met a monster like me.”
“Oh, I’m not doing much,” Hephaestus said to no one, decreasing her altitude as she checked her weapon systems. “Only breaking in to a school full of children and forcing them to evacuate. No big deal, just that if this goes south, Ivan’s going to rip my head off, and if it goes right, then I’m probably going to be seen as a total monster.”
“And that’s why they call me Johnny Three Dicks, doll. No matter which way you try to come, you’re still fucked.”
“I’m Pest Control, and the guy you’re holding a gun on is Glyph. And yes, we’re villains of the guild you showed up to bust today, but can we all agree that for the moment we have bigger concerns?”
