How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!

Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words. Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened.

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.” 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention “Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.” • All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

REMINDER: Tools for Engaging Cooperation 1. Be Playful • Make it a game. “Can we get all the cars into the box before the timer beeps? Ready . . . set . . . go!” • Make inanimate objects talk. “I’m an empty sock. I need a foot in me!” • Use a different accent or a silly voice. “I . . . am . . . your . . . robot . . . Must . . . buckle . . . seat . . . belt . . . now.” • Pretend! “We need to climb this slippery mountain into the carseat.” • Play the incompetent fool. “Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head? No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl to the tub like a crab?” 3. Put the Child in Charge “Johnny, would you set the timer and let us know when it’s time to leave?” 4. Give Information “Tissues go in the trash.” 5. Say It with a Word (or a Gesture) “Trash!” 6. Describe What You See “I see most of the blocks put away in the toy box. There are only a few blocks left to go.” 7. Describe How You Feel “I don’t like food thrown on the floor.” 8. Write a Note “Put me on your head before riding. Love, your bike helmet.” 9. Take Action Without Insult “I’m putting the paint away for now. I can’t let you splatter the other kids.” • Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child. • Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do. • When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you. • Express stro...

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

Let’s take a break together.” Some people call this a time-in: taking a break with a child, and refreshing the sense of connection between the two of you.

Punishment has a short shelf life. Little kids grow quickly. It’s difficult to physically punish a child who is larger and stronger than you are. As children become more independent it becomes harder to enforce punishments. How do you ground a teenager or take away his screen privileges without becoming a prisoner of your own punishment? This cooperative approach to conflict will grow with your child. As youngsters mature, their ability to problem-solve grows with them. When your children are out in the world you won’t be able to keep them safe by force. The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you. The fact that you are willing to consider their feelings and solicit their opinions will keep their hearts and minds open to your feelings and opinions.

REMINDER: Tools for Resolving Conflict 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!” 2. Show Your Child How to Make Amends “Your sister got scared on the top of the slide. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some pretzels? Do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?” 3. Offer a Choice “We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can play in the sandbox. You decide.” 4. Take Action Without Insult “We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now.” 5. Try Problem-Solving Step One: Acknowledge your child’s feelings “I can see that you don’t like your hand held in the parking lot. It makes your fingers feel squeezed.” Step Two: Describe the problem “The problem is, I worry about cars hitting children in the parking lot.” Step Three: Ask for ideas “We need some ideas so we can go back to the park and have a good time without people getting mad or scared. What can we do?” Step Four: Decide which ideas you both like “So you like the idea of holding on to my sleeve and leading me to the playground. Let’s circle that one.” Step Five: Try out your solutions “Here we are at the parking lot. Grab my sleeve and show me which way to go!” • If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations. • Show respect for the conflict. Don’t mini...

REMINDER: Tools for Praise and Appreciation 1. Describe What You See “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!” 2. Describe the Effect on Others “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.” 3. Describe Effort “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.” 4. Describe Progress “You sounded out each of the letters and you put them together. You read a whole sentence!” • Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising. • Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise. • Give a child a new picture of himself. • Resist the urge to praise by comparison.

REMINDER: Tools for Kids Who Are Differently Wired 1. Join Them in Their World “Can I play the Bubble Game with you? Will you show me how?” 2. Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing “So to you, the seams of the socks are very irritating!” 3. Put into Words What Kids Want to Say “You bad old rain! You took away Johnny’s recess!” 4. Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child “Let’s take a diaper vacation. We need some time to relax and not worry about peeing in the potty.” 5. Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Notes, Checklists, Pictures, Songs, Gestures 6. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can throw your stuffed animals.” 7. Be Playful! “It’s time to put away the blocks. I need help from the human wheelbarrow!” • Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.

The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.

REMINDER: The Basics–Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work • Lack of food • Lack of sleep • Need for recovery time • Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome) • Lack of developmental or experiential readiness

REMINDER: Food Fights Resist the urge to . . . . . . insist that your child clean his or her plate, eat a specific food, or eat a predetermined amount. . . . offer dessert as a reward for eating healthy food, or withhold it as a punishment for not eating. . . . be a short-order cook. . . . label your child a picky eater. . . . make food a battleground! Instead you can . . . 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Even though you usually like chicken, you’re not in the mood for it tonight.” 2. Offer Choices • Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself. • Serve some of the meal as simple separates so kids can make choices about what they put on their plates. • Offer a simple alternative if kids don’t want the “grown-up” food—peanut butter sandwich, bread and cheese, hard-boiled egg, raw carrots, red pepper. 3. Manage the Environment Keep sweets and sugary drinks out of sight. Make it easy to avoid temptation! 4. Put the Child in Charge Let kids have as much involvement as possible in planning, shopping, as well as preparing the meal, if you can tolerate some food landing on the floor. (Your dog will thank you!) 5. Give Information Let kids know that “tastes change,” so they don’t feel stuck with their limited palate. Tell them, “You might want to give this a try when you’re ready.”

REMINDER: Morning Madness 1. Be Playful (Shoe talking.) “I don’t want that foot in me. Nooooo!” (Parent talking.) “You’d better get on Luke’s foot right now. You’re making him late!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to walk to the car the regular way or backward?” 3. Put the Child in Charge “Can you set the timer? I need you to let me know when it’s time to go out the door.” 4. Try Problem-Solving “It’s not easy to remember all the things we have to do in the morning. What do you think about making a chart?” 5. Acknowledge Feelings “It isn’t easy to get out of a warm, cozy bed. It’s nice to snuggle for a few more minutes!”

REMINDER: Sibling Rivalry 1. Accept Feelings “It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!” 2. Give Wishes in Fantasy: Let the older child pretend to be a baby “Come sit on my lap and be my super baby.” 3. Describe What You See: Notice and appreciate the positive interactions between siblings “You figured out how to cheer up your sister when she was crying.” 4. Put the Child in Charge so that he has an opportunity to see himself differently “Can you pick a board book for the baby? She likes it when you read to her.” 5. Reconnect With Your Child • Plan for Special One-on-One Time “Would you like to make cookies when the baby takes her nap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up truck book?” • Tell the Older Child Stories About his Baby Days “I remember when you . . .” 6. Take Action Without Insult: Avoid casting a child in the role of aggressor “We need to separate. I don’t want anyone getting hurt!” 7. Try Problem-Solving: Resist the urge to take sides and don’t minimize the problem! “Jamie wants to build by himself and Kara wants to touch the blocks. This is a tough problem. We need ideas.”