More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
January 10 - January 17, 2020
When kids don’t feel right, they can’t behave right
When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved: She understands me. I feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I can handle it.
The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence
Good feelings can’t come in until the bad feelings are let out.
Children depend on us to name their feelings so that they can find out who they are. If we don’t, our unspoken message is: “You don’t mean what you say, you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel, you can’t trust your own senses.”
If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .
The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.
Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”
Match the emotion. Be dramatic!
to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.
Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened. We have the feeling we are being asked to justify how we feel and that our explanation may not live up to the asker’s standards.
TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention
The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.
Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.
The second tool for engaging cooperation is to substitute a choice for a command.
Whenever you can put your child in charge of his own behavior, you come out ahead.
it’s enough to give her simple information instead of an order.
you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do.
You assume that if you just point out the problem, we’ll be glad to fix it. The other way is disrespectful. You’re implying that we’re lazy, thoughtless people.”
TOOL #6: Describe What You See
Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel
When you describe how you feel, you’re not only giving children important information, you’re also modeling a vocabulary of emotions that they can use when they are frustrated, upset, or scared.
When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
TOOL #8: Write a Note
TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult
Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.
TOOL #2: Show Your Child How to Make Amends
The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.
