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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
October 16 - October 24, 2020
So what would be helpful to hear in a situation like this? My guess is that some of your misery would be soothed if someone simply acknowledged and accepted your feelings. “Ugh. It’s awful to have to go to work when you don’t feel well. Especially when you work with kids. What we need is a nice snowstorm, or maybe a very small hurricane that would shut the school down for just one day.” When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved: She understands me. I feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I can handle it.
All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
“How disappointing to find an empty box when you’re in the mood for cookies! The problem is, it’s too late to go shopping.” The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.
“Even though you know you don’t need new PJs, it’s still hard to see your brother get a new pair. Let’s write down the colors you like so we’ll know what to buy when you need them.”
I gave him a little back rub and said, “I can see you are not ready to get up. I’m going downstairs to make breakfast, and you can come down when you’re ready. I’ll have a paper and crayons for you so you can draw me a picture of how bad school is.”
A terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality. When your child is crying in the car because he’s thinking about the candy you didn’t buy him at the mall, it’s not the right time for a lecture on tooth decay. Admit it! Candy tastes good! Wouldn’t it be nice if we could eat candy every day and nothing bad would happen to our teeth? What would we have for breakfast? M&M’s or lollipops?
Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words. Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened. We have the feeling we are being asked to justify how we feel and that our explanation may not live up to the asker’s standards.
Lonely shoes can whine, “I feel cold and empty. Won’t somebody put a nice warm foot in me?” Hungry toy boxes can demand, “Feed me blocks! I want the green crunchy ones!” Cups can screech, “Don’t leave me out here by myself! I gotta get in the sink with my buddies.” Toothbrushes can use their best tough-guy voice, “Lemme in dere. I think I seen a germ hiding behind dat molar.” All of these clamoring objects will bring a smile to a child’s face and a more willing attitude toward participating in the mundane chores of life.
Instead of, “Get in the car now. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Try, “We have to get all the way from the door to the car. Let’s try hopping. It won’t be easy!” Instead of, “If you don’t get into pajamas right now, there will be no story time.” Try, “Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?”
Instead of just telling a child what to do in your regular voice, talk like a duck, or a sports announcer, or your child’s favorite cartoon character, or sing it with a country twang. Devise ways of leaving a friend’s house that involve avoiding lava, quicksand, or alligators.
Give them an “energy pill” (a single raisin carefully placed in the palm) to give them the strength to clean up.
You’re also teaching kids how to turn a tedious task into a pleasant activity. We can grumble and mope over a sink full of dirty dishes, or we can put on some lively music, work up the suds, and dance and sing our way through the mess. That’s a valuable life skill.
Try, “Would you like to bring a toy or a snack for the ride?” “Do you want to take giant steps to the car or do you want to skip to the car?” Instead of, “If I have to tell you one more time to get into that tub . . .” Try, “Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats?” “Would you like to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl like a crab?”
“I don’t want my carpet cut. What else can you cut?” Now I had his interest. He looked around. “I can cut string, I can cut tissues, I can’t cut the laundry. I know! Weeds!” He ran outside to trim the dandelions. Notice that I put Dan to work making up his own choices. Why should I have to do all the mental gymnastics?
When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!
Whenever you can put your child in charge of his own behavior, you come out ahead. Whether you’re a toddler, a teen, an adult, or an entire country, you probably react badly to being controlled. Human beings of all ages yearn for autonomy and independence.
When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you.
There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”
“I don’t like being yelled at! That doesn’t make me feel helpful. I like to hear, ‘Mom, can I have some juice, please?’ ”
When you find yourself repeating the same plea again and again until you’re sick of your own voice, it may be time to write a note. Don’t worry if your child doesn’t know how to read. The written word has a mysterious power that spoken words do not. A note can be more effective than a nagging voice.
Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time. They’re also more likely to cooperate with another adult, such as a teacher, and more likely to follow rules when no adults are present to control them. Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!
The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good. TOOL #3: Offer a Choice
Instead of thinking, “How can I control this child?” we can think of our child as being on the same team and invite his help and participation.
I said, “Danny, I can see you’re enjoying riding your trike in the kitchen. And Sammy is enjoying watching you.” (That was the accepting feelings part of the formula.) “The problem is, I’m worried about his little fingers being hurt by the wheels.” (That was the describing the problem part.) “What should we do? We need an idea!” (That was the asking for solutions part.) Danny gazed thoughtfully into the distance and pronounced, “Danny ride ovah heah.” He pushed his trike to the other side of the kitchen, away from his brother.
Keep in mind, this conflict matters just as much to your children as any dispute with a coworker, friend, or relative matters to you. Children need practice resolving their “childish” disputes so they can become grown-ups who can peacefully resolve their adult disputes. This is the work of childhood.
the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).2
“As soon as the blocks are put away, we can go to the park.” You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.
When we use problem-solving in place of punishment, we are truly modeling the attitude we want our kids to take toward conflict in their lives. Not “I’m a bad kid who doesn’t deserve a bedtime story.” Not “I’m a failure as a mom because I screamed at my kid,” but rather, “How can I fix my mistake?” “How can I make things work better?” “What should I try next time?”
When a child is engaged in an activity, there is no need to disturb her concentration by looming over her and offering unsolicited comments.
Instead of, “Good job!” Try, “I see you picked up all the cars and all the books, and you even picked up the dirty socks! I see bare floor. That was a big job.”
their process was described with appreciation. “Wow . . . that’s a really good score. You must have worked really hard.” A different kind of message: You stuck with it. You kept trying until you figured out all the problems.
you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative. And even then it’s most useful to put your criticism in positive terms. Talk about what “needs to be done” rather than what is still wrong.
TOOL #6: Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t
If you can describe the problem from both points of view it will make a big difference in the mood. “Dan wants to build something with his blocks without the loose pieces being moved around, and Sam wants to touch the blocks, too. This is a tough problem. What can we do?”
It also helps to tell your kids ahead of time, “We’re only shopping for Elena’s birthday present today. Nothing for us! Be sure to let me know if you see something you want to put on your wish list.”
stick with describing what you see and giving information. “I see crumbs all over the floor. That will attract ants. This room needs a good sweeping. Here’s the broom!”
After the cleanup is finished you can say, “I see a clean floor. The ants will have to go outside and find their snacks in the yard.”
Later your child will understand more about why cleaning up after yourself is the right thing to do, but for a preschooler it’s not helpful to think of it as a moral issue. What’s important at this stage is developing a positive feeling about being helpful and working together.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. —Franklin P. Jones
