How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.” 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention “Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.” • All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

REMINDER: Tools for Engaging Cooperation 1. Be Playful • Make it a game. “Can we get all the cars into the box before the timer beeps? Ready . . . set . . . go!” • Make inanimate objects talk. “I’m an empty sock. I need a foot in me!” • Use a different accent or a silly voice. “I . . . am . . . your . . . robot . . . Must . . . buckle . . . seat . . . belt . . . now.” • Pretend! “We need to climb this slippery mountain into the carseat.” • Play the incompetent fool. “Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head? No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl to the tub like a crab?” 3. Put the Child in Charge “Johnny, would you set the timer and let us know when it’s time to leave?” 4. Give Information “Tissues go in the trash.” 5. Say It with a Word (or a Gesture) “Trash!” 6. Describe What You See “I see most of the blocks put away in the toy box. There are only a few blocks left to go.” 7. Describe How You Feel “I don’t like food thrown on the floor.” 8. Write a Note “Put me on your head before riding. Love, your bike helmet.” 9. Take Action Without Insult “I’m putting the paint away for now. I can’t let you splatter the other kids.” • Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child. • Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do. • When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you. • Express stro...

REMINDER: Tools for Resolving Conflict 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!” 2. Show Your Child How to Make Amends “Your sister got scared on the top of the slide. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some pretzels? Do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?” 3. Offer a Choice “We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can play in the sandbox. You decide.” 4. Take Action Without Insult “We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now.” 5. Try Problem-Solving Step One: Acknowledge your child’s feelings “I can see that you don’t like your hand held in the parking lot. It makes your fingers feel squeezed.” Step Two: Describe the problem “The problem is, I worry about cars hitting children in the parking lot.” Step Three: Ask for ideas “We need some ideas so we can go back to the park and have a good time without people getting mad or scared. What can we do?” Step Four: Decide which ideas you both like “So you like the idea of holding on to my sleeve and leading me to the playground. Let’s circle that one.” Step Five: Try out your solutions “Here we are at the parking lot. Grab my sleeve and show me which way to go!” • If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations. • Show respect for the conflict. Don’t mini...