How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.

The good thing about being a parent is that if you blow it the first time, you almost always get another chance. In this particular case the same basic scenario recurred several hundred times, so I had ample opportunity to practice.

Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.”

If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings. Perhaps

Even though you know . . . “Even though you know it’s too late to go shopping for cookies, you’d sure like to have some right now!”

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset.

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

In my experience, if you can muster up a little playfulness, it actually takes less energy than having to deal with all the whining and resistance you get from a direct order.

Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.”

“Don’t shove your sister! She’s just a baby! You hurt her! That’s mean!” He reacts very inappropriately. Sometimes he actually laughs in my face. This week I’ve started telling him my feelings instead. “When I see one child hurting another child I get very upset!”

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

Use words like angry and furious sparingly. It’s easier to hear words like upset, or frustrated, or I don’t like it when without feeling attacked.

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time.

The second group was also told that they had done well. But they were not labeled or evaluated. Instead their process was described with appreciation. “Wow . . . that’s a really good score. You must have worked really hard.” A different kind of message: You stuck with it. You kept trying until you figured out all the problems.

It’s no surprise that children who are told they are smart and talented often fall apart when they encounter their first real challenges.

Here’s how it sounds when you praise effort instead of evaluating the child: Instead of, “What a smart boy you are!” You can say, “You kept on working on that puzzle until you figured it out.”

Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can throw your stuffed animals.”

The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.

Help the Child Make Amends “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a strawberry?”

Put your child’s thoughts into words “Stupid Legos! They should stick together and stay together!”

Check on “The Basics” Is your child lacking food or sleep, or feeling overwhelmed? Is your child developmentally ready to do what you’re expecting?