How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

Sometimes it can seem as if you made a child feel worse by naming her painful feelings. What’s going on? “Let’s try it on ourselves,” I suggested. “Imagine that your grandmother died last week. The two of you were very close. You try to put it out of your mind and hold yourself together so you can function at work. Then you run into a dear friend who says, ‘I was so sorry to hear about your grandmother. You two had such a special relationship.’ You feel your defenses start to crumble and your eyes well up. Your friend gives you a hug and says, ‘You miss her.’ The tears spill over and you start to cry. “Did what she said make you feel worse?” “I think I’d feel better to finally let the sadness out,” Sarah said, “and to have somebody know how I feel.” “What if after a few minutes your friend said to you, ‘Well, she was old. You can’t be sad all night. You have to get over it, so let’s go bowling.’ ” Everyone groaned. “Okay, I get it,” Sarah said. “Just because we say the ‘right thing’ to our children doesn’t mean they’re going to cheer up on our time line. It’s stressful to have a sad kid. I guess it’s hard to accept that we can’t instantly heal every wound.” Toni looked skeptical. “So you’re saying we have to keep empathizing for hours and hours until they’re ready to move on? That’s exactly what I don’t have patience for. Especially since we’re usually talking about missed playdates, not dead grandmothers.” If your patience runs thin or you run out of time, you can take ca...