How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.” 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention “Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.” • All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

Great advice!

This week I’ve started telling him my feelings instead. “When I see one child hurting another child I get very upset!” I have to admit it works! He stops and he doesn’t laugh or run away. Last night at bedtime he told me his feelings. He was jumping on the bed saying, “I’m . . . angry . . . at . . . you!” with one word for each jump. I could guess why. Isabel had a fever and was on my lap all day. I told Benjamin, “It’s annoying to have a sick sister! She gets all Mama’s attention.” He jumped until he collapsed on the bed with me admiring each jump. “Oh my gosh, you almost touched the ceiling. You almost flew like a bird. You almost went to outer space!” I told him, “You’re getting good at putting your angry feelings into words instead of hitting. That’s not easy to do.” He crawled into my lap and gave me a hug! I feel like this kind of language is helping us get back to the close connection we had before Isabel was born, when he became the rough older brother and I became the angry mother.

What a great example!

“When I see you hurting your sister . . .” When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you. The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive. He may respond by arguing, laughing inappropriately, running away, or getting angry in return. If we can avoid you altogether, we’re much more likely to get a cooperative attitude. There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!” To the first statement, a child is likely to respond, “I didn’t do it!” “Why are you yelling at me? It was Johnny’s fault.” “Who cares?” The second statement allows a child to think to himself, “Uh oh, Mom really doesn’t want crackers on the carpet. I’d better pick them up.”

Avoid "you" statements

If your child keeps pounding on your touchscreen, in spite of your protest that it is delicate, you can remove it, saying, “I see you have a lot of energy. I’m worried that the screen could break. Let’s find something to play with that can take some rough treatment.”

Take action without insult

If your child wants to help put pancake batter in the pan, but despite friendly reminders you can’t convince him not to jump around at the stove, you can say, “I can’t cook with you now. I’m too worried about burns.” If your child refuses to get in his carseat, “I can see the seat belt is uncomfortable. You feel freer without it. I can’t take you to your friend’s house without the belt buckled.” Or, “I don’t want to be late for work. I’m buckling you in. I know how much you hate it!”

Great examples!

Notice that in all these examples the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.

I need to get better at doing this (separate my feelings/reactions from my child's actions)

The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.

Here are more examples of how to take action with children when all your other tools have failed. “I’m putting the blocks away for now. I can’t allow throwing. I’m too worried about broken windows and broken heads.” “I’m separating you from your brother! I can see how angry you are and I don’t want either of you to get hurt.” “We’re leaving the library. I can’t let books be pushed off the shelves.” “I’m putting the food away. I can see you’re not hungry and I don’t like food to be smeared on clothing.”