How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right.

If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation.

We don’t want to accept negative feelings because they’re so . . . well . . . negative. We don’t want to give them any power. We want to correct them, diminish them, or preferably make them disappear altogether.

All right, I get it. We can’t treat our children like we treat our adult friends. But if we want their willing cooperation instead of their hostility, we need to find a way to use the same principle of acknowledging feelings when a person is in distress.

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.

Why did I refuse to acknowledge his feelings for such a long time here? I just desperately wanted to make it better, fix the problem, protect my child from sadness and disappointment. Let’s be honest, I wanted to protect myself from his sad emotions! Who enjoys a wailing child? But

But a child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us. The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.

Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.” Imagine hearing someone say, “I am so sorry your mother passed away. But hey, she’s dead, you’re alive, tears won’t change it; let’s move on!” If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

Even though you know . . . “Even though you know it’s too late to go shopping for cookies, you’d sure like to have some right now!”

Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”

Sometimes a child wants something that it is impossible to provide. Your first impulse is usually to explain why she cannot, or should not, or must not have her heart’s desire. That’s the rational approach.

terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.

You may have noticed that we don’t respond to a child’s distress by asking questions: Are you sad? Did that make you angry? Why are you crying? Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.” 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention

“Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.” • All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.

Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.

Instead of, “Get in the car now. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Try, “We have to get all the way from the door to the car. Let’s try hopping. It won’t be easy!” Instead of, “If you don’t get into pajamas right now, there will be no story time.” Try, “Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?”

The second tool for engaging cooperation is to substitute a choice for a command. Choice,

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!

“He won’t do what he’s told because he just wants to be in control!” My response is, “Then let’s put him in control.” Whenever you can put your child in charge of his

You don’t always need elaborate preparation to put your child in the driver’s seat. Often it’s enough to give her simple information instead of an order. Here’s how it works. You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do.

Instead of, “Get your seat belt on, or I’m not driving you to your friend’s house.” Give information: “The law is everyone has to be belted in before

TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)

“You guys left the chairs out again. How many times do I have to tell you? There’s no maid to clean this classroom after we leave.” Or: “Chairs!”

Just be careful that the one word you use is a noun, not a verb.

“Jacket.” (Instead of, “Pick your jacket up off the floor and hang it on the hook.”)

Instead of, “Get back here! You’re half naked!” Describe: “I see a boy who is almost in his pajamas. He has the shirt on, and soon . . . the pants!”

When you describe how you feel, you’re not only giving children important information, you’re also modeling a vocabulary of emotions that they can use when they are frustrated, upset, or scared.

The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive. He may respond by arguing, laughing inappropriately, running away, or getting angry in return. If we can avoid you altogether, we’re much more likely to get a cooperative attitude. There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”

Use words like angry and furious sparingly. It’s easier to hear words like upset, or frustrated, or I don’t like it when without feeling attacked. I remember a workshop member telling me she

your child refuses to wear his bike helmet in spite of your brilliant use of playfulness, choice, and information-giving, you can say, “I’m putting the bike away for now. You’re in no mood to have your head squeezed by a helmet, and I can’t let you ride without one.”

your child keeps pounding on your touchscreen, in spite of your protest that it is delicate, you can remove it, saying, “I see you have a lot of energy. I’m worried that the screen could break. Let’s find something to play with that can take some rough treatment.”

your child refuses to get in his carseat, “I can see the seat belt is uncomfortable. You feel freer without it. I can’t take you to your friend’s house without the belt buckled.” Or, “I don’t want to be late for work. I’m buckling you in. I know how much you hate it!”

REMINDER: Tools for Engaging Cooperation 1. Be Playful • Make it a game. “Can we get all the cars into the box before the timer beeps? Ready . . . set . . . go!” • Make inanimate objects talk. “I’m an empty sock. I need a foot in me!” • Use silly voices and accents. “I . . . am . . . your . . . robot . . . Must . . . buckle . . . seat . . . belt . . . now.” • Pretend! “We need to climb this slippery mountain into the carseat.” • Play the incompetent fool. “Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head? No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!” 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl to the tub like a crab?”

3. Put the Child in Charge “Johnny, would you set the timer and let us know when it’s time to leave?” 4. Give Information “Tissues go in the trash.” 5. Say It with a Word (or a Gesture) “Trash!” 6. Describe What You See “I see most of the blocks put away in the toy box. There are only a few blocks left to go.” 7. Describe How You Feel “I don’t like food thrown on the floor.” 8. Write a Note “Put me on your head before riding. Love, your bike helmet.” 9. Take Action Without Insult “I’m putting the paint away for now.

Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child. • Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do. • When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you. • Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

Before we start dutifully doling out consequences and punishment, I’d like to take a moment to define our terms. Just what do we mean by natural or logical consequences? And what lessons are we teaching when we punish?

Often a strong-willed child who is punished becomes more determined to defy authority. Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.1

“HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!”

“Your sister got scared when she was pushed. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some apple slices, or do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?”

“We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can dig a big hole in the sand. You decide.”

“We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now.”

take action in order to protect, not to punish.

Notice that we are giving a very clear message to the child that we are not acting to punish, but to protect. We don’t say, “You behaved badly at the park yesterday, so you don’t get to go today.” We don’t say, “You were too rough with the stroller, so you’ve lost the privilege of pushing it.” We focus on safety and peace of mind for the present, and solutions for the future.