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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Joanna Faber
Read between
January 4 - January 14, 2023
there’s just no good shortcut to getting a cooperative kid. You can try, but you will likely end up knee-deep in a bog of conflict.
If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation. All we’ll have left going for us is our ability to use greater force.
When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved: She understands me. I feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I can handle it.
The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence
You are giving your child a crucial vocabulary of feelings that he can resort to in times of need. When he can wail, “I AM FRUSTRATED!” instead of biting, kicking, and hitting, you will feel the thrill of triumph!
The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.
Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.
If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .
you can write down everything she wants on her wish list. It is satisfying to a kid to have a physical list of her desires. And you can keep it posted on your bulletin board and refer to it when holidays and birthdays come up.
It’s important to be genuine when you acknowledge feelings. Nobody likes to feel manipulated. Reach inside and find that emotion. Be real!
Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.
By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification.
The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.
REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions
One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.
Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.
The second tool for engaging cooperation is to substitute a choice for a command.
When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!
As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details.
You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do. A valuable lesson indeed. You’re offering your child useful knowledge for the future, in place of a rule that might be followed only when you’re around to enforce it.
Just be careful that the one word you use is a noun, not a verb. A verb is more likely to sound like a command.
Sometimes a single word is not enough. You may need to string a few together. If you can restrict yourself to a simple description, without adding an irritating command or accusation, you may find your child willing to help out.
When you describe how you feel, you’re not only giving children important information, you’re also modeling a vocabulary of emotions that they can use when they are frustrated, upset, or scared.
When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you.
One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger.
Chances are that if your child participated in coming up with solutions, he’ll be eager to try them out.
When children are not ready to behave in a way that is safe for themselves and others, we default to managing the environment.
Remove the disputed object temporarily.
Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.
three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).2
You can let them know that fun activities await them when chores are finished.
When there is conflict between us, we don’t need to put our energy into fighting each other. We can combine forces to search for a solution that respects the needs of all parties. The child is an active participant in solving his problems. This will stand him in good stead in the years to come.
The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you. The fact that you are willing to consider their feelings and solicit their opinions will keep their hearts and minds open to your feelings and opinions.
REMINDER: Tools for Resolving Conflict
A more useful way to praise is to resist the impulse to evaluate and instead to simply describe what you see (or hear or notice with any of your five senses).
Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.
praise effort instead of evaluating the child:
Sometimes we do need to point out what’s wrong. Kids don’t always notice on their own. In a case like this it’s important to appreciate the positive first. If you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative.
We don’t have to be inauthentic and tell a child he is wonderful and his work is great in order to inflate his ego. We can give him specific descriptive feedback that is realistic and helpful.
Another way to give a child a new picture of himself is to give him opportunities to demonstrate his competence.
Resist the urge to praise by comparison.
By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths. That’s how children form their image of themselves.
REMINDER: Tools for Praise and Appreciation
REMINDER: Tools for Kids Who Are Differently Wired
The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.
match our expectations to the child’s stage of development and level of experience.
“I don’t think they’ll know if they like it if they’re forced to try it. More likely they’ll be choking it down to get it over with. I prefer to say, ‘Sam, here’s something I think you might like if you give it a try,’ and leave it at that.
getting kids involved in the planning and preparations can make a big difference in their interest in the meal,”
REMINDER: Food Fights
“It works for me to make the clothing talk.
