How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

Instead of, “Get in the car now. I don’t want to have to ask you again.” Try, “We have to get all the way from the door to the car. Let’s try hopping. It won’t be easy!”

Instead of, “If you don’t get into pajamas right now, there will be no story time.” Try, “Do you think you can get your PJs on with your eyes closed?”

Instead of, “Get in the car, now!” Try, “Would you like to bring a toy or a snack for the ride?” “Do you want to take giant steps to the car or do you want to skip to the car?”

Instead of, “If I have to tell you one more time to get into that tub . . .” Try, “Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats?” “Would you like to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl like a crab?”

Instead of, “Pajamas now!” Try, “Do you want to put your pajamas on the regular way, or inside out?” “Do you want to jump five more times before putting on your PJs, or ten? Okay, let’s make them big ones. ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE . . .”

Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.”

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

Often a strong-willed child who is punished becomes more determined to defy authority. Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future.

“We need a time-out so nobody gets hurt! Quick, Thomas to the kitchen, Jenna to the living room!” You may even say, “I’m getting frustrated. I need a time-out. I’m going to my bedroom for a few minutes to calm down!” This kind of time-out is intended to protect, not to punish.

“Jackie, come over here and sit with me for a little while. We need some time-out.” She’d sit with her arm comfortingly around her daughter for a few minutes, then ask her if she thought she was ready to go back to playing.

watch out for all those “straws,” both hidden and obvious, that may be overwhelming your child.

We’re not going to get there by demanding that children eat a certain number of bites of broccoli in order to get to the dessert. That only teaches them that if they choke down the ‘bad stuff’ they get to eat the ‘good stuff.’ The lesson becomes, ‘What I really love is bad for me and what I really hate is good for me.’

Using dessert, or any reward, as a bargaining chip does not help children learn to enjoy healthy food.

‘Sam, here’s something I think you might like if you give it a try,’

getting kids involved in the planning and preparations can make a big difference in their interest in the meal,”

Describe What You See: Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious. “I see chocolate on your face.”

Describe How You Feel “I’m upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!”

Instead, stick with describing what you see and giving information. “I see crumbs all over the floor. That will attract ants. This room needs a good sweeping. Here’s the broom!”