How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

there is a certain twenty-four-hours-a-day relentlessness to caring for young children that makes it hard to think straight.

we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right. If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation. All we’ll have left going for us is our ability to use greater force.

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.

Why did I refuse to acknowledge his feelings for such a long time here? I just desperately wanted to make it better, fix the problem, protect my child from sadness and disappointment. Let’s be honest, I wanted to protect myself from his sad emotions! Who enjoys a wailing child? But he just as desperately needed his disappointment to be heard before he could move on to happier feelings.

child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us. The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.

We do these things automatically—protect against sad emotions, dismiss what we see as trivial emotions, and discourage angry emotions. We don’t want to reinforce negative feelings. To acknowledge them seems counterintuitive.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”

The important thing is that she has a parent who listens to how she feels when she yearns for something, and that helps her develop the important life skill of deferred gratification.

It’s important to be genuine when you acknowledge feelings. Nobody likes to feel manipulated.

child in emotional distress is unlikely to be soothed by well-reasoned discourse.

By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification.

The gift we can give them is to not get in the way of their process by jumping in with our reactions: advice, questions, corrections. The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.

It’s human nature. We’re stuck with it, and our children are no different. We resist being told what to do. Direct orders provoke direct opposition. When we give children commands, we’re working against ourselves. Where we had hoped to inspire obedience, we’ve just stirred up rebellion in their little hearts.

The second tool for engaging cooperation is to substitute a choice for a command.

I’m not suggesting that you make uncomfortable compromises or that you put a three-year-old in charge of the whole show. I’m just saying that human beings, including small ones, like to have some input and control over their lives.

every time your child makes a small decision, she’s getting valuable practice for some of the bigger decisions she’ll be making down the road.

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!

Whenever you can put your child in charge of his own behavior, you come out ahead. Whether you’re a toddler, a teen, an adult, or an entire country, you probably react badly to being controlled.

As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details. Delegate! It’s less work for you in the long run, and your child will enjoy some independence.

You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do. Not only do you avoid the natural resistance that comes from a direct order, you’re also laying the groundwork for your child to develop the ability to exercise self-control, whether or not there’s an adult telling her what to do.

If you can restrict yourself to a simple description, without adding an irritating command or accusation, you may find your child willing to help out.

when you describe what you see, it helps to describe the positive instead of focusing on the negative.

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive. He may respond by arguing, laughing inappropriately, running away, or getting angry in return. If we can avoid you altogether, we’re much more likely to get a cooperative attitude.

take action without insult.

the child isn’t being scolded or accused. The adult is describing her own feelings and actions. She’s standing her ground, enforcing a limit, or stating her values.

Often a strong-willed child who is punished becomes more determined to defy authority. Studies find that kids who are punished are more likely to misbehave in the future. Punishment actually increases the undesired behavior.

The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present.

Taking action to protect yourself and those around you is an essential life skill for adults and a powerful way to model for our children how to deal with conflict.

A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

You’ve avoided the unpleasant and manipulative “If you do this, then I’ll give you that” statement, and replaced it with information.

Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.

Instead of accusing and interrogating, state the obvious. In the case of the purloined dessert, you can simply say, “I see you ate the cake.” If she protests, don’t call her a liar. Instead, you can accept the feeling behind the protest.

Let her know how you feel:

Make a plan for the future:

adjust your expectations and manage the environment.

help her make amends: