How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words

Children depend on us to name their feelings so that they can find out who they are. If we don’t, our unspoken message is: “You don’t mean what you say, you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel, you can’t trust your own senses.”

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

“But” takes away the gift you’ve just given. It’s like saying, “I hear how you feel and now I am going to explain to you why that feeling is wrong.” Imagine hearing someone say, “I am so sorry your mother passed away. But hey, she’s dead, you’re alive, tears won’t change it; let’s move on!”

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.

TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing

Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”

The important thing is that she has a parent who listens to how she feels when she yearns for something, and that helps her develop the important life skill of deferred gratification.

TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art

When the paper was completely shredded, he looked at the pile and started giggling. “Look how mad I was, Mommy.” “Yeah, you were really mad. That poor paper. It looks like a tiger tore it up.”

It’s important to be genuine when you acknowledge feelings. Nobody likes to feel manipulated. Reach inside and find that emotion. Be real!

TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality

When your child is crying in the car because he’s thinking about the candy you didn’t buy him at the mall, it’s not the right time for a lecture on tooth decay. Admit it! Candy tastes good! Wouldn’t it be nice if we could eat candy every day and nothing bad would happen to our teeth? What would we have for breakfast? M&M’s or lollipops? And how about lunch?

Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

You don’t have to figure out the cause of the feelings in order to empathize. You can say, “You seem sad.” “Something upset you.” Or even just, “Something happened.” That kind of phrase invites your child to talk if she feels like it, but also gives comfort if she doesn’t feel like talking.

TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention (Don’t just say something. Sit there!)

You can continue to listen to your child, responding with an empathic, “Ugh!,” “Mmm,” “Ooh,” or “Huh.”

TOOL #1: Be Playful

One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.

TOOL #2: Offer a Choice

Don’t turn a choice into a threat.

When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!

TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge

TOOL #4: Give Information

Instead of, “You left the cap off the glue stick again. Great!” Give information: “Glue sticks dry out very quickly when they’re not capped.”

TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)

TOOL #6: Describe What You See

Instead of, “Don’t walk away and leave your jacket on the floor. I’m not going to pick it up for you.” Describe: “I see a jacket on the floor.”

Describe the progress that you see before pointing out what’s left to be done.

“I see almost all of the cars and blocks have been put away! There’s only one dump truck and a few road pieces left to go.”

TOOL #7: Describe How...

“I’ll get frustrated if I don’t finish this shirt first. I can help you as soon as I finish ironing the sleeves.”

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”

When your child demands, “Give me juice!” don’t bother telling her, “You’re rude!”

It’s more useful to tell her how you feel. “I don’t like being yelled at! That doesn’t make me feel helpful. I like to hear, ‘Mom, can I have some juice, please?’ ”

Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.

Use words like angry and furious sparingly. It’s easier to hear words like upset, or frustrated, or I don’t like it when without feeling attacked.

Fury is not a useful everyday seasoning for a relationship!

TOOL #8: Write a Note

wrote out an “appointment card” for bath time.

This week I wrote a note on a big piece of paper and strung it across the bottom step. It said KITCHEN OPENS AT 7:00.

TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult

“I can’t cook with you now. I’m too worried about burns.”

is kind of a three-ring circus. Kids are exhausting. Little kids are exceptionally exhausting. For me it’s more fun when we’re all tired and cheerful, instead of tired and irritable. These tools all help you achieve the former. And it does get easier. The older they get, the more they can be in charge of themselves, especially if they’ve had the practice of making choices and being in charge of their own behavior when they’re younger.”

Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time. They’re also more likely to cooperate with another adult, such as a teacher, and more likely to follow rules when no adults are present to control them. Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!1