How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

The good thing about being a parent is that if you blow it the first time, you almost always get another chance.

Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.

Children depend on us to name their feelings so that they can find out who they are. If we don’t, our unspoken message is: “You don’t mean what you say, you don’t know what you know, you don’t feel what you feel, you can’t trust your own senses.”

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.

Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.

“How many times have we given in and just bought some stupid thing we don’t need to avoid a public tantrum? Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”

Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words. Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened. We have the feeling we are being asked to justify how we feel and that our explanation may not live up to the asker’s standards.

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1.

I would never have thought to tell him my feelings before this class. It’s so strange to me that I didn’t learn to say things like “I’m frustrated” until I was thirty-four years old, and my son already knows that at four. He’s way ahead of me!

There is value to giving a child the experience that he can handle frustration, with your sympathy and support. When we demonstrate generosity of spirit by accepting feelings, we help our children become more resilient, and we increase their ability to deal with the inevitable bumps and detours in the road of life.

They say that necessity is the mother of invention, but I claim that desperation is the mother of great parenting.

Fathers too, but whatever. 😉