How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

What I discovered as a parent was that there is a certain twenty-four-hours-a-day relentlessness to caring for young children that makes it hard to think straight.

The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right. If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation. All we’ll have left going for us is our ability to use greater force. And since we’d like to reserve brute force for emergencies such as yanking children out of traffic, we’ve got to face this feelings thing head-on.

When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved: She understands me. I feel better. Maybe it’s not so bad. Maybe I can handle it.

Questions: “Why did you throw sand when I just told you not to?” What child says, “Hmm, why did I? I guess there’s no good reason. Thanks for pointing that out. It won’t happen again.”

Lecture: “Why do you always want a toy as soon as your brother starts playing with it? You had no interest in it a minute ago. You just want to take it away from him. That’s not very nice. Anyway, that’s a toy for babies and you’re a big girl now. You should be more patient with your little brother.” And where is the child who responds, “Do go on, dear mother. I’m learning so much from this speech. Let me just jot down a few notes on my iPad so I can go over these points later.”

If an adult friend behaved like my child, she would not be my friend for long. All right, I get it. We can’t treat our children like we treat our adult friends. But if we want their willing cooperation instead of their hostility, we need to find a way to use the same principle of acknowledging feelings when a person is in distress.

To me the beautiful take-home lesson of these stories is that you can mess up endlessly and it’s okay. You can fix it! You can wander from the path, get stuck in the bog, pull yourself out, scratch your mosquito bites, and move on down the road. The itchy spots will heal, the mud will wash off, and your journey will be pleasant again for the next little bit.

Why did I refuse to acknowledge his feelings for such a long time here? I just desperately wanted to make it better, fix the problem, protect my child from sadness and disappointment. Let’s be honest, I wanted to protect myself from his sad emotions! Who enjoys a wailing child? But he just as desperately needed his disappointment to be heard before he could move on to happier feelings.

The good thing about being a parent is that if you blow it the first time, you almost always get another chance. In this particular case the same basic scenario recurred several hundred times, so I had ample opportunity to practice.

What made it so difficult for me to acknowledge my son’s feelings the first time around? Well, because I was sure this desire to knock a sibling on his head over a few blocks was so wrong that I needed him to understand it now, and not indulge this aggressive impulse for even a split second. Yet it was only by showing respect for his strong feelings about his work that he was able to move past aggression. When I tried to dismiss his feelings, he had to fight his brother and his mother.

The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present.

Instead of thinking, “How can I control this child?” we can think of our child as being on the same team and invite his help and participation.

the correct protocol: accepting feelings, describing the problem, and asking for ideas.

It turns out that the three factors that motivate people most strongly are a sense of autonomy (the drive to be self-directed), mastery (the intrinsic drive to develop competence), and purpose (a sense that our actions are meaningful and have value).

She designed a study in which two groups of children were given a sheet of math questions to solve. When the task was completed, the first group was given evaluative praise. “Wow . . . that’s a really good score. You must be smart at this.” The message is clear: You are a bright child, talented at math. The second group was also told that they had done well. But they were not labeled or evaluated. Instead their process was described with appreciation. “Wow . . . that’s a really good score. You must have worked really hard.” A different kind of message: You stuck with it. You kept trying until you figured out all the problems.

There is value to giving a child the experience that he can handle frustration, with your sympathy and support.

Many children are naturally picky eaters. It may even be genetic, or developmental. But given a range of healthy choices, children will choose a balanced diet—so long as junk food isn’t included in the mix. Children are tempted by sweets and fried food just as much as we are.

It seems to me we have two important goals here. The first is to provide kids with a healthy diet, but that’s not enough. We also want to help them form a healthy attitude toward food, so they can tune in to their own bodies—eat when they’re hungry and stop eating when they’re full, be open to trying new things, and enjoy eating food that nourishes them. The big question is, how do we get there?

Only a half hour before, I was disgusted with my son’s selfish, greedy behavior. Once his feelings were acknowledged his heart was full of generosity. He’d felt sentimental about his grandparents’ loving gift. And now he was contemplating passing it on, not only to his younger brothers, but to his own future child.

What has the child learned? That when an adult gets angry it’s not the end of the world. It’s a temporary condition. Problems that cannot be solved in the heat of the moment can be solved later, when calmer, cooler moods prevail.

And remember, there will be many times when you have to cut your losses. You can apply some leverage when your child is feeling energetic, “We can go to the park as soon as these blocks are put away.” But when a toddler is tired or hungry, avoid a losing battle. Do it yourself for now. There will be plenty of other opportunities for your child to participate. Don’t worry, this is not the last mess!!

So what have I learned? That kids are different. That some tools will work for one kid and not another. That sometimes it helps to put the child in the driver’s seat and let him control the action. That other times it’s best to take action—take the child out of the driver’s seat and not burden him with that responsibility. That parenting is an art, not a science. And that I’d better not get too smug.

They had imagined that I was infinitely patient and never got angry with my kids. That day I discovered a common misperception about this approach. Parents assume they should be able to remain calm and in control at all times. I have yet to meet a parent who fits that description. And I’m not sure I even want to meet a parent who fits that description! That person would be an automaton, not a real human being.