How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

If you still have doubts about praise that evaluates versus praise that describes, try it on yourself. Here’s the scenario: Your partner arrives home from work to find that you’ve cleaned up the kitchen, gotten the kids bathed and PJ’ed, and prepared a hot meal for the family. Using the language we so often apply to our kids, your partner says enthusiastically, “Wow, you are such a good spouse! What a perfect marriage I have. Great job, honey. I’m proud of you!” Did you feel patronized? Did you feel a little offended by the assumption that you wish to be judged? Did you wonder, So what if I’m tired and order pizza, does that make me a bad spouse? Did you think, I’d better not bring expectations up like this again! Did you wonder why your partner is proud when you’re the one who did the work? Okay, new scene. Your partner comes home to the same setup and says, “Wow, you got the kids ready for bed and you took care of that big mess we left in the kitchen this morning and you made dinner for us, all right after work! Sit down, honey. Let me get you a drink.” Now you might think, Hey, it was worth the effort. My partner appreciates what I do around here. Maybe I’ll even do it again sometime. By praising descriptively—by looking, listening, and noticing—we hold up a mirror to our children to show them their strengths. That’s how children form their image of themselves. These are more than nice individual moments. We’re creating a stockpile of memories that cannot be taken away.

Wonderful analogy here