How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (The How To Talk Series)

by Joanna Faber

We can’t treat our children like we treat our adult friends. But if we want their willing cooperation instead of their hostility, we need to find a way to use the same principle of acknowledging feelings when a person is in distress.

The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps: 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him! 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence

All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! I’m not suggesting that you then stand by and cheer as Junior slugs his friend Jimmy in the nose, or that you immediately start cooking up a mushroom and cheddar cheese omelet for your demanding toddler who has just complained about the pancakes. Just accept the feeling. Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.

Let’s be honest, I wanted to protect myself from his sad emotions! Who enjoys a wailing child? But he just as desperately needed his disappointment to be heard before he could move on to happier feelings.

Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel. We are also laying the groundwork for a person who can respect and not dismiss the needs and feelings of other people.

Ooof.

Having their feelings acknowledged actually helps children accept that they can’t always get what they want.

Often when questioned like this, even adults can feel threatened. We have the feeling we are being asked to justify how we feel and that our explanation may not live up to the asker’s standards.

REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.” 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.” 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.) 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.” 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention “Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.” • All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited! • Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .” • Match the emotion. Be dramatic! • Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.

Beyond talking objects and making a game out of a chore, the field is wide open. Experiment with your silly side. Instead of just telling a child what to do in your regular voice, talk like a duck, or a sports announcer, or your child’s favorite cartoon character, or sing it with a country twang. Devise ways of leaving a friend’s house that involve avoiding lava, quicksand, or alligators. Instead of telling a classroom of preschoolers to sit still and be quiet, have them freeze like statues. Tell them they’re “as still as an iceberg,” or “as quiet as a little mouse hiding in the grass from a cat.”

Almost any tedious task can be transformed if it’s infused with the spirit of play.

In my experience, if you can muster up a little playfulness, it actually takes less energy than having to deal with all the whining and resistance you get from a direct order. It also sets a nice tone. Even if orders are more efficient, the mood will be brighter with playfulness. It makes people feel more loving and cooperative. You’re also teaching kids how to turn a tedious task into a pleasant activity. We can grumble and mope over a sink full of dirty dishes, or we can put on some lively music, work up the suds, and dance and sing our way through the mess. That’s a valuable life skill.

human beings, including small ones, like to have some input and control over their lives. There are plenty of options we can offer our children,

Instead of, “Get in the car, now!” Try, “Would you like to bring a toy or a snack for the ride?” “Do you want to take giant steps to the car or do you want to skip to the car?” Instead of, “If I have to tell you one more time to get into that tub . . .” Try, “Do you want your bath with bubbles or boats?” “Would you like to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl like a crab?” Instead of, “Get your homework started. No more excuses!” Try, “Would it be easier to get your homework over with right away and be free of it, or would you rather have a snack first?” “Do you want to do it in the kitchen while I cook dinner, or in your room where it’s quiet?” One parent had great success with, “Do you want to do your homework on top of the table or under the table?” (I think you can guess which her daughter chose.) Instead of, “Pajamas now!” Try, “Do you want to put your pajamas on the regular way, or inside out?” “Do you want to jump five more times before putting on your PJs, or ten? Okay, let’s make them big ones. ONE . . . TWO . . . THREE . . .

Each of these statements says to your child, “I see you as a person who can make decisions about your own life.” And every time your child makes a small decision, she’s getting valuable practice for some ...

When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.

When Maria expressed her angry feelings to Benjamin in that last story, she did it in a particularly skillful way. She completely avoided the word you. She said, “When I see one child hurting another I get very upset!” What she didn’t say was, “When I see you hurting your sister . . .” When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you. The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive. He may respond by arguing, laughing inappropriately, running away, or getting angry in return. If we can avoid you altogether, we’re much more likely to get a cooperative attitude. There’s a world of difference between, “Look at this mess you made!” and “I don’t like to see food on the floor!”

This example is kind of ridiculous to me. If my son hits my infant daughter it’s not better to avoid saying “you” in the correction. It’s just not. I want him to take ownership in his relationship with her. Not distance himself from his actions. “Mama gets sad when she sees a child hit a baby” is not better than “Mama gets sad when you hit your sister.” That’s HIS sister. It’s laughable to me that she’s teaching us to express our feelings to children but then simultaneously teaching us to distance our kids from those feelings by being indirect to avoid defensiveness.

It’s more effective to describe your feelings without the word you: “I get scared when I see people jumping around near the stove while I’m cooking. I worry about burns.”

This is a much better example of avoiding “you” statements in regard to expressing feelings. I guess the issue is if it involves physical “violence”?? I don’t know it’s late and I need to think on it more.

When your child demands, “Give me juice!” don’t bother telling her, “You’re rude!” Calling her rude is not going to help her learn to be polite. She’ll just learn to say, “You’re rude, too!” It’s more useful to tell her how you feel. “I don’t like being yelled at! That doesn’t make me feel helpful. I like to hear, ‘Mom, can I have some juice, please?’ ” Kids often respond well when we give them the words they can use to get what they want. The younger the child is, the more explicit you can be about giving him the language you prefer to hear.

This is helpful. Two year olds whine a lot when they ask for things.

The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.

Problem-solving doesn’t always have to be a laborious, time-consuming, multistep activity. Sometimes it’s a simple shift in perspective. Instead of thinking, “How can I control this child?” we can think of our child as being on the same team and invite his help and participation.

Keep in mind, this conflict matters just as much to your children as any dispute with a coworker, friend, or relative matters to you. Children need practice resolving their “childish” disputes so they can become grown-ups who can peacefully resolve their adult disputes. This is the work of childhood.

Rewards have many pitfalls. They don’t address the cause of the problem. They are used to manipulate the other person rather than work with her, which can lead to resentment. They are subject to inflation. And they have a dark side. A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.

be so for reaaaaal!!!!

We all want our kids to be good citizens. We’d like to encourage their efforts to help others. But we need to beware the temptation to judge their character. Stick with description! Instead of, “You’re a good girl.” You can say, “You carried those grocery bags all the way to the kitchen. That was a big help!” Instead of, “You’re the best big brother!” You can say, “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.” Instead of, “You’re such a thoughtful little girl!” You can say, “You helped Johnny zip up his coat. Now he’ll be nice and warm when he goes outside.” Instead of, “Good boy. I knew you could be nice to the kitty if you tried.” You can say, “I hear Sparky purring. She likes that gentle petting.”

Whatttttt

Here’s how it sounds when you praise effort instead of evaluating the child: Instead of, “What a smart boy you are!” You can say, “You kept on working on that puzzle until you figured it out.” Instead of, “You’re very talented at gymnastics.” You can say, “I saw you climbing onto that balance beam again and again until you walked the whole beam without falling off.” Instead of, “Good job dressing yourself.” Try, “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.”

Kids can’t act right when they don’t feel right. Little kids aren’t always aware that they’re feeling bad because they’re tired or hungry. It’s up to us to keep those possibilities in mind and to offer sustenance and slumber when those two vital ingredients might be lacking.

REMINDER: The Basics–Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work • Lack of food • Lack of sleep • Need for recovery time • Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome) • Lack of developmental or experiential readiness