Lies We Tell Ourselves

by Robin Talley

He’s looking right at us. He must have seen Ennis get hit. He doesn’t care. None of them do. I bet they’d care if we threw things back.

I imagine what it would be like if I were alone with the red-haired girl. How it would feel if she smiled at me with her pretty smile, and I smiled back, and—

Twenty white faces gaze up at me.

used to think the wrong things all the time. Before I knew they were wrong.

Oh. Is that what He was doing? Is that what the Lord calls keeping us safe?

What the boy did hadn’t left a mark. But nothing will ever undo it.

Her eyes take on a sparkle that makes her brown irises look golden.

And there’s something about the way her face looks when she’s singing that makes you want to stare at her forever.

Do they mean my colored girl?

I want Sarah to look at me.

Being sick must be harder for him than it was for me, though, because he’s colored.

Even though she’s a girl. Even though she’s colored. I want to keep kissing Sarah forever.

Can people see it on me just from looking? Is that what Ruth meant when she asked what was wrong with me?

We feel it so much we don’t want to talk about it. Talking about it means feeling it all over again.

Now it takes all the energy I have to keep walking in the first place. When it would be so much easier to just sit down on the floor and give up altogether.

You don’t always have a choice.

Oh, Linda. Linda, Linda, Linda. You’ll be lucky if you live through tomorrow.

This is who I am. And I like me this way.

This is how it works. Someone has to sacrifice. Or nothing will get better for any of us.