Lies We Tell Ourselves

by Robin Talley

Rule One: Ignore anything the white people say to you and keep walking. Rule Two: Always sit at the front of the classroom, near the door, so you can make a quick getaway if you need to. And Rule Three: Stay together whenever you possibly can.

The police aren’t here to help us. Their shiny badges are all that’s stopping them from yelling with the other white people. For all we know they trade in those badges for white sheets at night.

I used to think the wrong things all the time. Before I knew they were wrong.

Oh. Is that what He was doing? Is that what the Lord calls keeping us safe?

All my school friends listen to me. School is the one place where what I say and what I think matter.

Um..... No

“I don’t.” Sarah rolls her eyes. I still can’t believe she has the nerve to do that in front of us. “You’re the one who makes everything about color. What’s worse is half the time you don’t even know you’re doing it.”

I’ll say segregation is the law, and always has been. She’ll say laws get changed when they’re wrong, and always have. I’ll say God put the races on different continents so we’d each stay with our own. She’ll say my people messed that up, then, when we brought her people over here as slaves, and when we came to America even though the Indians were already here. I’ll say she’s an agitator, and an infuriating one at that. And she won’t even answer. She’ll just cock her head and smile. Like I’m one of those monkeys with the windup boxes and I’ve just done a silly dance for her.

I nod. I wonder what Daddy would do if he really saw a dog being beaten. Probably join in.

I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.

Really? *eyes rolling* YA authors need to retire this line

Why would God give me these feelings if they’re wrong?

The question ive asked plenty of times before

“I don’t think right and wrong is always that simple,” I say.

Its not simple

This is who I am. And I like me this way. And I think God just might like me this way, too.

I tell myself this now and refuse to listen to anyone who tells me different

We punish ourselves so much in our own imaginations. We convince ourselves everything we do, everything we think, is wrong.

This is how it works. Someone has to sacrifice. Or nothing will get better for any of us.

“Other people will always try to decide things for you,” she says. “They’ll try to tell you who you are. Remember, no matter what they say, you’re the one who really decides.”