The Princess Saves Herself in this One (Women Are Some Kind of Magic, #1)

by Amanda Lovelace

when i had no friends i reached inside my beloved books & sculpted some out of 12 pt times new roman. - & it was almost good enough.

where do all the memories go, the ones we hide away with lock & key yet continue to shape us all the s a m e? - did it really happen if i can’t remember it?

at eleven years old the doctor weighed me & afterward, my mother told me i was too fat & that i needed to go on a diet immediately. for an entire year, food barely passed through my lips. i did not even allow myself to take a sip of water because i wanted to be so thin that i could blow away with the slightest breeze— d i s a p p e a r . i dropped sixty pounds in a few short months & i had to wear long sleeves to cover up my only catharsis. - everybody told me how good i looked, though.

when you’re taught to see the world through fire, nothing looks safe.

“friend request from _________” a) the girl who said you were ugly. b) the girl who said your voice was off-key. c) the girl who refused to defend you. d) the girl who laughed at you behind your back & to your face. e) the girl who took your lunch money every day because she said you didn’t need to eat. f) the girl who said you were “fat” even after you starved yourself half to death. g) the girl who was supposed to be your best friend. h) all of the above. - keep pressing ignore, lovely.

fat \'fat\ adjective 1: a descriptive word. it has no deeper meaning. it should not determine the worth (or lack thereof) of a human being. - what i know now that i wish i knew then.

sticks & stones never broke my bones, but words made me starve myself until you could see all of them. - skin & bone.

one morning i woke up with my favorite wizard boy sheets sticky with the blood i begged would never come, & suddenly it was like my body was no longer my own but everyone else’s. - not much has changed since then.

my first kiss: tackled, pinned down, a mouth repeating no no no. after: bruises & the unmistakable taste of blood. - i will never forgive you.

you have been the star of each & every one of my nightmares. - you left but you stayed.

i’m sorry if i wasn’t the daughter you had in mind. - i only ever wanted to make you proud.

- silence has always been my loudest scream.

you may not have left (many) bruises on my skin, but you left giant blackberry bruises all over my soul. - i still wonder who i would have been.

i’m not scared of the monsters hidden underneath my bed. i’m much more scared of the boys with messy brown hair, sleepy eyes, & mouths that only know how to form half-truths. - my dragons.

remember when you told me you wrote that beautiful song for me & only me— your “only one”? well, i’m willing to bet you don’t remember that you had already showed it to me, saying it was for her. - you were in love with the idea of love, not me.

when my dragon with the green eyes left, i took a knife & cut off all my long, pretty hair, taking away the only thing he ever loved about me. - over before it began.

he loves me. he loves me not. he loves her. he loves her not. he loves me. he loves me not. he loves her. he loves her not. he loves me. he loves me not. he loves her. he loves her not. he loves me. he loves me not. he loves her. he loves her not. he loves me. he loves me not. - i ran out of petals.

blood runs wherever his fingertips graze me. - my steel & thorns.

for a time, it seemed to me that we were starlight-touched, failing to realize that we were actually star-crossed. - the stars were never on our side.

he was made of fire & i was made of ice. i came too close to his flame & he melted me with his embers, reducing me down to a puddle. with time, i froze over again, but i was never quite the same— a fragile, watery imitation of what once was. - where was my fear of fire when it came to you?

“i hate you.” - his version of “i love you.”

when it finally came time for him to leave, he packed up all my poetry in a suitcase & took it with him. - first my heart, then my words.

he promised to fix me & he left me more s h a t t e r e d than i had been before. - but now i’ve got gold in the cracks.

i have to believe the day will come where i don’t flinch whenever i hear his name. - some names will always be cursed.

i have so much love to give, but no one ever wants it. - a cup overfilled.

you will think your parents are s h a t t e r p r o o f until one day you find out t h e y a r e n ’ t. - what it really means to lose your innocence.

sister— wherever you are now, i hope there is a beach. - starfish will always remind me of you.

everyone i love leaves.

i never expected death to be my most faithful companion, but she is the only one who will come without having to be asked. - the only one who will never leave.

grief clung to her like an old, itchy, faded, ill-fitting, hand-me-down dress.

so many hours days months years of my life were wasted making sure i was h o l l o w i’m terrified down to my very roots that there are parts of myself that can never be f i l l e d. - sometimes i think it would be better if someone cut the whole tree down & started anew.

he won’t stop hunting me. - my ghost II.

fuck the idea that there is such a thing as destiny, that there exists some kind of mysterious master plan, that there is a god who simply does not give us anything we cannot handle. the pain did not make me a better person. it did not teach me not to take anything for granted. it did not teach me anything except how to be afraid to love anyone. i am far too young to be so goddamn broken & if i could go back in time & give myself her childhood back, i would. - what was the point?

i wonder how many times you touched her & had to pretend it was me. - does it still sting?

i hope you treat her better than you ever treated me. - you can have my forgiveness, but you can’t have me.

i say to him, “we will always have our octobers. - even when everything else fades.”

i am so sorry for all the times the darkling dragon demon living inside my darkest corners came roaring out, flames ready, hell-bent on extinguishing all the light in you. - please don’t leave.

i would like to eat even just one meal without feeling ashamed. - healing is ongoing.

i would like to look into a mirror without immediately looking away. - healing is ongoing II.

if i ever have a daughter, the first thing i will teach her to love will be the word “no” & i will not let her feel guilty for using it. - “no” is short for “fuck off.”

you were sent down from the stars exactly the way you were supposed to be— the way you would love, the way you would lust, & the way you would find your wings— & no one should have been given the power to take that away from you. - you deserve your pulse.

food is not the enemy. - society is.

you did absolutely nothing to deserve it. - fuck rape culture.

repeat after me: you owe no one your forgiveness. - except maybe yourself.

just because they don’t hit you doesn’t mean it isn’t abuse. wouldn’t you think it a crime to look up at the night sky & tell the stars that they have no sparkle? guess what? you shine brighter than all the starlight there has ever been or ever will be. - emotional abuse is still abuse.

you’re right— you tried & you tried & you tried & then you tried some more, but maybe they just don’t have it in them to love you after all. now i ask you: so fucking what? - the only love you need is your own.