Then She Was Gone

by Lisa Jewell

Poppy shudders. ‘I don’t want her to come back.’

Her eyes are wide and her breathing is audible. ‘I’m not allowed in there. My mum told me never to go in there.’

In the scheme of things it is far more likely that the monster in Noelle’s basement was actually twenty dead hamsters, not Ellie. She needs to assume that this was the case and then find the evidence that it was not.

She is about to turn away when a woman comes out of Tesco holding two canvas bags full of groceries; she’s a tall blond woman in a similar parka, baggy joggers and black Ugg boots, a green bobble hat on her head and a wide smile on her face. She hands one bag to Theo and then stops to pet the small dog, who seems overjoyed to see her. Then they go on their way, the lovely young couple and their dog. And it is only then that Laurel really registers what she has just seen. It was the smile that threw her. She hasn’t seen Hanna smile for so long she’d forgotten what it looked like.

Noelle Donnelly’s house was small and tidy and smelled exactly like Noelle Donnelly.

She was unconscious before Noelle had made it to the landing.

‘You’re awake now, are you?’ said Noelle from somewhere in the dark. ‘Now, listen. I really want to apologise to you. This is a terrible thing. A terrible thing I’ve done to you. Unforgivable really. But I hope you’ll see why, in time. I hope you’ll understand.’ In time.

‘I want to go home!’ Ellie yelled out at Noelle’s back. ‘I really really want to go home!’ Noelle didn’t reply. The three locks clicked into place. The room turned black.

‘We’re in this together, you and me. We have to work as a team. I do not want to have to tie you up like a criminal. I really do not. I have treats in mind for you, lots of lovely things I want to do for you, to make this nicer. And I won’t be able to give you the treats if you behave like this.’

‘Hamsters!’ said Noelle triumphantly. ‘Look! You said you always wanted hamsters! Remember? So I got you some.

Ellie nodded. She had no idea how to react. None whatsoever. She had not said she wanted hamsters. She had in fact said that she had not ever wanted hamsters. She did not understand why Noelle had bought her hamsters.

Well, obviously I had to plan it a little bit. There were certain things I had to think of in advance.

Even when there were cages full of them. She knew each and every one by name. She was amazing like that. Is it any wonder I was obsessed with her? Is it any wonder I did what I did?

And yes, clearly I knew what I was doing. Of course there was a bigger picture. Of course there was. I had a truly audacious plan.

it was surprising to Ellie how little she thought about Theo during those first few days of captivity. Before Noelle had taken her she’d thought about him virtually every living moment of every living day. But now her family had taken centre stage. She missed Theo but she needed her family.

I’m trying to make this as nice for you as I possibly can. You can see, can’t you, you can see the effort I’m making? The money I’m spending? You know, I’m going without myself to pay for you.’

Ellie would never really know what happened the following night. She could guess, because of what happened afterwards, but the actual facts, the details, only one person knew and she would never tell her.

She smiled and there were the tiny teeth that chilled Ellie’s soul.

And that was that. The edges of Noelle Donnelly began to blur and shiver, the walls of the room turned black and bled into everything and for a small second there were just Noelle’s teeth, suspended alone in a sea of blackness, like a UFO in the night sky. And after that it was the morning. And even though everything felt normal, Ellie knew it wasn’t normal, that something had happened.

You may recall the exact night of conception. It was the night after I came over to yours all dressed to the nines in my satin blouse and my high heels, the night we drank two bottles of red wine and had sex three times. I’d thought it would be a long-term project. I had more plastic pots waiting in the freezer, let’s put it that way. But it turned out I didn’t need them. I’d been charting Ellie’s ovulation for a couple of months, making sure to dole out the pads and tampons on a day-by-day basis so I’d know exactly when she was bleeding and how much. And I hit the jackpot first time. I stood by with the tampons and the towels, waiting for Ellie to ask me for them. But two weeks passed, three weeks, then four. And then she started to be sick every morning and I knew.

I waited until Ellie was about four or five months along before I told you about the baby. I put it off for as long as possible so the period of subterfuge would be as short as possible, because of course if it was to be your baby then you needed to think I was pregnant. And in order for you to think I was pregnant I needed to look pregnant. And if I was going to fake a pregnancy then that was the end of our sex life. So I told you the doctor had said the placenta was low-lying and so there was to be NO SEX. So, there was no sex, but as you probably recall we did plenty of other things because of course I had to keep you, more than ever then, I had to keep you.

The only hope I had was that when the baby came you’d fall in love with it, that you wouldn’t be able to live without it and that we’d be inextricably linked. Forever.

Ellie had suspected she was not fat but pregnant a few weeks after she’d first felt the baby moving.

‘It’s a miracle, that’s what it is, Ellie. And now you know. Now you know why I chose you. Because I couldn’t have a baby of my own and I asked God to find me a baby and God told me that it was you! That you were special! That you were to have my baby!’

Noelle didn’t seem to be excited about the baby any more. The bigger Ellie got the more disinterested Noelle became. The gifts stopped, the baby names stopped, there were no more little sleep-suits to admire or gentle palpations of the bump to see what position the baby was in.

sometimes she felt as though she loved Noelle. Sometimes she wanted Noelle to hold her in her arms and rock her slowly like a baby, and other times she wanted to slit Noelle’s throat and stand and watch as the blood spouted out, slowly, magnificently, running through Noelle’s fingers, the collapse of her, then the death of her. Ellie knew what Stockholm Syndrome was.

She knew what could happen to people kept in captivity for prolonged periods of time. She knew that her feelings were normal. But she also knew that she must not let those feelings of affection, those moments when she yearned for Noelle’s attention or for her approval, she mustn’t allow them to dominate. She needed to hold on to the parts of her that wanted Noelle dead.

Those were the parts that would one day get h...

Ellie was eight months pregnant when you ended it. Or in other words, I was eight months pregnant. I just feel for the sake of the baby, we should draw a line in the sand now.

I don’t think you really knew, to be honest. I think you were just sick of not getting any sex, I think you wanted to be able to go off and screw someone else. That’s what I think.

When I left the room, your horrible daughter was standing there on the landing, looking at me as she did with those horror-movie eyes. Fuck you, I thought as I swanned past her. Fuck you. Because I knew what I had in my basement. And I knew that it was better than her. And if it was better than her then it could still bring us back together. I had not lost hope.

I got that baby out of her without any medical intervention.

She was a sweet baby. Full head of brown hair. Little red mouth. I let the girl choose a name for her. It was the least I could do after what she’d been through. Poppy, she said.

I left the baby with the girl those first few days. Well, there was not much I could be doing now really, was there? And then when the baby was two weeks old, I took her to the baby clinic to get her weighed and checked, get her on the system so that she would be a real person and not just a tiny ghost in my basement.

I had to answer lots of awkward questions but I had my spiel sorted: Didn’t know I was pregnant, thought it was my menopause, hardly changed shape, gave birth at home with my partner, all happened really fast, no time to call for an ambulance, wham bam there was the baby, so no, we never went to the hospital. No, the baby was not given an Apgar score. I told them that I’d been too nervous to bring the baby out the house before now, that I thought it was OK as long as the baby seemed OK. I sat and took their telling off, let them slap my wrists good and proper. Oh, I said, I’m really, really sorry. But you know, I was a virgin until a few months ago (I used my strongest Irish accent for this), I’ve led a sheltered life, I don’t really know much about anything.

But the girl meanwhile … Well, I thought I’d done my best by her. I really did, but she didn’t seem well. It was one thing after another really.

She called for her mother all the time. Incessant it was. All hours of the day and night. I couldn’t bear it for another moment. Then one day, when the baby was about five months old, I shut the door to that room, and for a very long time I did not go back.

‘She was supposed to be coming home.’ Laurel blinks. ‘What?’ ‘Noelle. That week. She was coming home. With her little girl.’

Then suddenly she’s given the child to the father, packed a bag and disappeared. I suppose we weren’t surprised. It always did strike us as faintly unbelievable that she’d had a baby in the first place, let alone that she was able to raise it on her own.’

‘And where do you think she is, Mrs Donnelly? If you don’t mind me asking?’ ‘Oh, God, I suppose, if I’m honest, I would say she’s dead.’

‘When did you last see Noelle, Mrs Donnelly?’ ‘Nineteen eighty-four.’ Laurel falls silent again. ‘She came home for a few weeks after her PhD. Then she went to London. That was the last time we saw her.

She genuinely, genuinely didn’t care about us. Not about any of us. And in the end I’d say we’d stopped caring about her too.’

I first brought the baby to see you when she was about six months old.

I certainly didn’t mention the time I seriously toyed with the idea of leaving her on the steps of the hospital just like your own parents had done to you.

I smiled inscrutably and then drove away leaving you there on the pavement not knowing where you stood with anything. And that was exactly where I wanted you.

Hanna has completely transmogrified in her mind from an ice princess destined never to thaw to a scarlet woman throwing herself at other people’s boyfriends with no thought for anyone but herself. Laurel no longer knows what to think about her daughter.

Laurel asks him how Poppy had reacted when Noelle dropped her on his doorstep and disappeared into thin air. ‘Was she happy?’ she said. ‘Was she sad? Did she miss her mum? What was it like?’ ‘Well, first off,’ he replies, ‘she looked awful. She was overweight, refused to let anyone brush her hair, bathe her, brush her teeth. So she was a mess. And that was basically why Noelle left her with me. She’d had this perfect little baby and she’d totally fucked her up because she did not know how to parent and she’d ended up four years later with a monster.

when Noelle left her here she was happy. Really happy.

I genuinely don’t think she’s suffering because of not having Noelle in her life. I think …’ He glances up at her. ‘I think it was a blessing.’ Laurel’s eyes flick to Floyd’s and then away again. A thought passes through her head, so fast and so unpalatable that she is unable to keep hold of it.

as she’s talking her eyes pass across the detail of Poppy’s room and she stops and clasps her chest. ‘Poppy,’ she says, getting to her feet, taking a few steps across the room, ‘where did you get those candlesticks?’