Here We Are: Feminism for the Real World

by Kelly Jensen

Feminism is about recognizing power and fighting to distribute it equally, regardless of race or class or ability or gender. Feminism is not static, and it never has been. In fact, feminism demands change.

WHAT is feminism? A world-wide revolt against all artificial barriers which laws and customs interpose betwen [sic] women and human freedom. It is born of the instinct within every natural woman’s soul that God designed her as the equal, the co-worker, the comrade of the men of her family, and not as their slave, or servant, or dependent, or plaything.4

Despite what people think based on my writing, I very much like men. They’re interesting to me, and I mostly wish they’d be better about how they treat women so I wouldn’t have to call them out so often.

I am supposed to be a good feminist who is having it all, doing it all. Really, though, I’m a woman in her thirties, struggling to accept herself and her credit score.

As a man, if I go for a job, I will make more than a woman with the same qualifications. When I walk down a street alone at night, or take a cab by myself, I have never feared being raped. I am not catcalled or called a “bitch” because I don’t return a look. I do not have entire industries built around making millions of dollars telling me what my “beautiful” is. I do not have a battalion of old men putting laws in place, telling me what I can and can’t do with my body.

Over and over, because she is a woman, the world will close doors that should be open to all. And she will have to work ten times as hard to get through them.

Feminism seeks to dismantle all gender stereotypes. By redefining what it means to be a “woman,” feminism also redefines what it means to be a “man.” And to live in a world where men are encouraged to express their full range of emotions, where they are encouraged to be their own unique selves without being anchored down to some narrow, societal definition of “masculinity”? Count. Me. In.

I want to live in a world of freedom and acceptance. A place that makes space for everyone to feel comfortable. Where there are no dark places to hide. No ridicule.

Feminism isn’t about the specific, individual choices people make in how they look and feel. Feminism is about an individual’s ability to make choices about how they look and feel and take care of themselves.

YOU HAVE SURVIVED 100 PERCENT OF YOUR WORST DAYS. You might roll your eyes at that—like duh, of course you’ve survived them, you’re here reading this, aren’t you? But I want you to remember this the next time you find yourself knee-deep in a day that feels impossible. The fact that you have lived through every single one of your most awful days is legitimate proof that you can do it again. Statistics are on your side. You got this.

We are told, all of us, no matter what our size, that fat bodies are lesser, that they are somehow abhorrent and definitely repulsive. You can see this in how rarely we see fat heroes or leads in stories, in how models on runways and the pages of magazines are always thin. Our culture reveres thinness—think about how we talk about the goal of thigh gaps and “fitspiration.” Fat bodies are the butt of jokes, the punchline.

You see, I’ve fought for that word. I’ve fought myself, my own self-shame. I’ve fought a society that doesn’t want to carry clothes that fit me and never shows me images of people with bodies like mine in the entertainment I buy or the culture I participate in. I fought all that for the right to use “fat” with pride.

But for me, none of them fits. Because they just don’t describe what my body is. My body is fat. I won’t win any awards or lose any points for saying that. I am merely stating a fact: I am fat.

Here’s a mental exercise that has helped me. When I can’t escape hateful, mean thoughts about my body, I ask myself what I would do if I heard someone talking that way about a friend. I would speak up for my friend. I would defend her and boost her up. So if you have a day when you hate yourself and your body, try to think of yourself as a friend. Be kind to yourself, defend yourself, be your own friend. Even—especially—when you are confronting hard days.

But you don’t owe anyone an explanation of the hows and whys of your body, and you shouldn’t be ashamed of your body any more than you should be ashamed of having brown hair or needing glasses.

Feminism helped me understand that my body was not up for public debate and discussion. Feminism reminds us that people have inherent worth for who they are, not how they look.

Feminism teaches that you have worth and value; you have something to say worth hearing no matter how you look—no matter how fat you are.

Belonging somewhere—feeling at home in your body, believing in yourself, and knowing who you are—that’s what I was really missing when I longed to look like my classmates.

how beautiful it is to feel just like yourself.

We are constantly told, in the media and in popular culture, that the ideal of femaleness is smallness. While men are told to bulk up, women are told to slim down.

In myriad ways, our culture tells women and girls that we are valued most highly for our appearance. We are barraged with the message that our worth is inextricably linked to the shapes that our bodies make.

But here’s the thing. The static, glossy images on the cover of those magazines? They’re not real. I don’t just mean that they’re intensely photoshopped, though of course they are. I mean that they’re not living, breathing humans like you and me. They are snapshots; tiny moments frozen in time and then drastically altered on the computer. In real life we don’t exist that way. We grow and change every day of our lives.

I began to view my body not as a final product, but as a tool that allowed me to do what I love in the world: to play guitar and dance and hug my friends.

This is the shape that my body makes today. It emphasized that every day my body would look and feel slightly different. And it reminded me that my body was my home. The place where I had always and would always live. I no longer wanted to be locked in a vicious battle with my own home.

I thought I was practicing self-improvement; it turned out to be more like self-imprisonment.

Women and girls are constantly told, both overtly and subtly, that their very worth is connected to their fulfillment of a narrow ideal of physical beauty.

When I choose to love my body, to look at it with compassion and remember all the awesome things it can do, I am rebelling against a system that wants to keep me down. I am actively protesting the status quo that aims to keep me self-obsessed, self-critical, and self-oppressing.

To move from obsession to body love is difficult. You can’t just flip a switch and instantly forget the body image pressure. But you can remind yourself, day after day, that loving your body is revolutionary, feminist, and empowering. You can remind yourself that your worth is not tied to the number on the scale. And consistently reminding yourself of these things does make an enormous difference.

Women are humans. Complete, complex, flawed, beautiful, worthy humans. So to expect an impossible level of perfection from ourselves is, in fact, self-oppression.

To allow ourselves the freedom and joy of being imperfect humans is a feminist act.

My makeup is all about me. Makeup helps to keep me safe and find joy in my appearance. Makeup reminds me that I get to define what pretty looks like for me,

As a reader, do you consider it more important that the girls you meet in books are likable, or is it more important for you to let go of that expectation and understand that the sole purpose of a girl’s existence is not to always be liked above all else?

I reject the Likability Rule because I see girls beyond the limits society places on them. Because a girl should never have to hide her pain and act likable to be worthy and deserving of all good things.

I keep coming back to my ability to remind people that we are more than the skin in which we’re born and the labels people attach to us.

The best kind of feminist—the best kind of human—embraces every woman, because if you narrow the perspective of what kind of women can be feminists, or what kind of women feminism should help, you’re standing in the path of substantive change.

Feminism is about advocating for equality for all women, not just people you’re comfortable with. It’s about standing for people who are other than you, and amplifying their voices, instead of standing against them or speaking for them. It’s about making the world better, and kinder. Your feminism can be more powerful than any generation’s has ever been, if it opens itself to everyone who needs it. You can take over the world with your empathy and inclusion. And I hope you will.

one is not born a woman but rather becomes one, as Simone de Beauvoir wrote in The Second Sex.

A lot of what feminism is about is moving outside of roles and moving outside of expectations of who and what you’re supposed to be to live a more authentic life.

we grew to understand feminism and realized that it cannot be solely a women’s movement. It must be a human movement, supported by fathers, brothers, sons, uncles, and cousins.

It’s men who sometimes need to learn that the women in their lives are people, deserving the same rights that they themselves enjoy.

FGM is a violation perpetuated upon women by other women, and proof of self-loathing.

Now here’s an appropriate reversal. Ask the young man in your life to prove his love for you twenty-first-century style, by embracing feminism.

If he loves you, then he will respect you, and what more perfect way is there for him to demonstrate that love and respect than by supporting your advocacy on behalf of feminism?

Young women, do not be afraid to label yourself a feminist, because it is definitely not a synonym for misandrist—man hater.

There are things missing from our history books. But we were taught that it is better to be silent than to make them uncomfortable.

Feminism is for all women, which means it is made up of as many approaches as there are women. You can’t assume that the ideas espoused by one aspect of the feminist movement apply to every woman, much less that labeling dictates what is and is not a feminist issue. An integral part of making feminism better is to challenge yourself, the texts, and other feminists to really look at what the movement has done, or is doing to make it benefit the cause of equality and justice for all women.

Feminism isn’t a glass slipper that fits only one perfect woman; it is an umbrella that has to become big enough to protect us all, even from one another.

Feminism is about action. So when we talk about feminism as a broad movement, we must remember that every community is different. The type of feminist action that one community needs may not be effective for another community. You don’t have to like someone else’s feminism.

Appropriation occurs when a style leads to racist generalizations or stereotypes where it originated but is deemed as high fashion, cool, or funny when the privileged take it for themselves. Appropriation occurs when the appropriator is not aware of the deep significance of the culture they are partaking in.

fiction so often reflects what is happening in the world around us. That so many authors are writing about this should be a big indication to people that we live in a rape culture. And if we’re silent about it, if we turn a blind eye to it, we won’t break the cycle. Books about difficult and upsetting subject matter often facilitate discussion and raise awareness. We need to do both if we want to see anything change.