Off to Be the Wizard (Magic 2.0, #1)

by Scott Meyer

“Okay. Apprentice, I command you to . . . think! Being a man of action is fine, but you need to think before you act.” “That’s . . .” Phillip held up a hand. “Stop! Did you think about what you’re about to say?” “No.” “Then take a moment. Think about what you were going to say, what you have riding on my continued good will, and how I’m likely to react to the words you were about to let fall from your mouth like a partially chewed mouthful of spoiled cheese.”

“Here, take this.” Martin held the dead frog gingerly, dangling it by two fingers. “Why do I have to hold the frog corpse?” “I wanted to see if you would,” Phillip answered, looking at the frog and shuddering. “Ugh, disgusting.”

The statue looked down at the table of speechless wizards and jerked its chin upward sharply, as if to say Wazzup? The giant statue bent sideways at the waist. With a massive finger, it hit a button on the top of the boom box. The great hall was filled with the familiar hiss of a cassette player until the inevitable finally happened. The boom box played Herbie Hancock’s “Rockit.”

Phillip stood. He looked at the other wizards and said, “We take Jimmy down. We’d better call everybody and get them up to speed. We want to do this right. And by right, I mean in as public and humiliating a manner as possible.”

“It’s not going to be easy,” Phillip continued. “Many of you like Jimmy, and it’s going to be hard for you to take him down. I despise him, and as such, I will have a hard time pretending not to enjoy every second of his downfall and humiliation. That’s my burden to bear.”

“We’ll meet again, you know.” Phillip stepped forward and pointed his staff at Jimmy. “Yes, in eight hundred years or so. Anything you want to say before we send you to your fate?” “Yes—” “Too bad,” Phillip said, and sent Jimmy on his way.