Zayn: The Official Autobiography

by Zayn Malik

'I can't undo some of the things in my life that have negatively affEcted me, but I can practise being a better person, and I think that's a pretty decent place to start.'

there’s no avoiding some of the bad parts of life: rejection, betrayal - all that.

I think that’s partly where a lot of my anxiety comes from. Half of me is just like, ‘Fuck it, I don’t care what other people think of me,’ but the other half of me is the total opposite. That idea of legacy is really important to me. I want to leave my mark in a way that feels honest and authentic, I want to be known as somebody who isn’t afraid to do what he wants to do, no matter what other people might say or think, and to do that I’ve got to be in control of my career.

Sometimes it feels like I’m exposing my soul and putting it out there for the whole world to judge. There’s a new kind of pressure in that. It’s not like the old pressure to conform, more like pressure to live up to my own expectations.

'when you make big decisions in life, validation from your family is such an important factor.'

I was physically and mentally exhausted - beyond exhausted. I was spiralling down into a very unhappy, very unhealthy place. I needed to reconnect with my family and feel some normality again. And, finally, it was my mum who gave me the reassurance I needed to go with my decision. She said, ‘If it doesn’t make you happy, just don’t do it.’

It reminded me that, at the end of the day, even if everyone else in the world hated me, my mum would always be there for me.

The only thing that really pisses me off is if somebody ‘quotes’ me when it’s something I definitely didn’t say. If what I say is deliberately misconstrued, or if something I’ve said is taken out of context, then I’m a bit like, ‘That’s not what I said.’ That’s when I get upset. It means I’m being falsely portrayed, and that’s not something I’m OK with. Fuck that.

I think Malay looks at music in a very different way to anybody else. He’s into some crazy shit. It was cool to be around him and to bounce off that weird creativity.

We set up a couple of tents – one for sleeping, another for recording – and made the place our temporary home. For the first week, we recorded whenever the mood took us, taking the odd break to fire arrows into the trees while we waited for the generator to power up. Some of the vocals we recorded out there were the best I’d ever done. I was learning a lot about being a solo artist. When I’m focused on doing something I really want to do, I can suddenly become so disciplined it’s unreal. It just seems to come from nowhere, this drive to create. At that stage, I had several songs that needed finishing, and we got through all of those first. After that, I wrote some of the verses for ‘Blue’, and for a song called ‘Dragonfly’, which was a pretty sick tune, even though I didn’t end up using it on the album.

As I got a bit older, into my teens, I started taking an interest in Marley’s back catalogue. I loved his music, but there was so much more to respect about the guy. I’d watch his interviews on YouTube, and he’s so interesting; he was a political guy, and he took some brave stands during his career.

A big deal to me was joining the British Asian Trust as an official ambassador.

Sometimes, it’s hard not to upset people, especially on social media, so I just try to keep myself to myself.

‘Is it, though, because I’ve just spent ages reading through all the comments?’ Some people can be pretty fucking brutal. That’s part of why I sometimes don’t post or comment as much as I could, or as much as my followers want me to. Don’t get me wrong, I do try to reply to fans when I see something that especially makes me laugh or whatever, and I really appreciate how lots of people send me nice stuff every day. But getting your voice across online in an authentic way is difficult. There are always so many different ways people can interpret, or misinterpret, what you say, and it can be really frustrating.

I don’t swear on a track just for the sake of it; sometimes, a swear word is the only one that will express what you want to say in the way you want to say it. I don’t want to lose the power of what I’m trying to get across. When I’m writing, I play around with words all the time, and each one is weighed up and chosen for a reason.

People were going to set us up in some sort of head-to-head chart battle, but there was never any plan to get into any rivalry with the boys. There’s no need. What we’re doing is just not the same.

One of my managers asked me recently how I could still suffer from a lack of confidence after so long. Her point was something like this: that if I see however many fans showing support for me, giving me praise and saying that I’m good at what I do, then doesn’t that mean that I must be good? Wouldn’t I see that and have enough reason to be confident? My answer to her was no, not really. You might think it would be the case, but I’ve never been someone who can find positive validation from other people’s opinions.

Full:One of my managers asked me recently how I could still suffer from a lack of confidence after so long. Her point was something like this: that if I see however many fans showing support for me, giving me praise and saying that I’m good at what I do, then doesn’t that mean that I must be good? Wouldn’t I see that and have enough reason to be confident? My answer to her was no, not really. You might think it would be the case, but I’ve never been someone who can find positive validation from other people’s opinions.