How to Murder Your Life

by Cat Marnell

I don’t think I ate for a month! Instead, I guzzled bottle after bottle of something called the Ritual Cleanse that Julie ordered for me. Have you tried it? It’s about seventy-five thousand bottles of expensive juice, and you sort of feel like you’re drinking gazpacho, and if you take Vyvanse with it you actually stick to the diet. That’s a tip. I mean, you’re not even allowed to have a macchiato; the big treat is the mealy cashew sludge and you sort of gag it down, you know, but it’s all worth it, because if you do it fifteen days in a row, your legs absolutely start to look like arms. That’s what happened for me!