Mindset

by Carol S. Dweck

“WE LOVE YOU—ON OUR TERMS” It’s not just I’m judging you. It’s I’m judging you and I’ll only love you if you succeed—on my terms. We’ve studied kids ranging from six years old to college age. Those with the fixed mindset feel their parents won’t love and respect them unless they fulfill their parents’ aspirations for them. The college students say: “I often feel like my parents won’t value me if I’m not as successful as they would like.” Or: “My parents say I can be anything I like, but deep down I feel they won’t approve of me unless I pursue a profession they admire.” John McEnroe’s father was like that. He was judgmental—everything was black-and-white—and he put on the pressure. “My parents pushed me. . . . My dad was the one mainly. He seemed to live for my growing little junior career. . . . I remember telling my dad that I wasn’t enjoying it. I’d say, ‘Do you have to come to every match? Do you have to come to this practice? Can’t you take one off?’ ” McEnroe brought his father the success he craved, but McEnroe didn’t enjoy a moment of it. He says he enjoyed the consequences of his success—being at the top, the adulation, and the money. However, he says, “Many athletes seem truly to love to play their sport. I don’t think I ever felt that way about tennis.” I think he did love it at the very beginning, because he talks about how at first he was fascinated by all the different ways you could hit a ball and create new shots. But we never hear about that kind of fascin...