this is how you know i want you.

by AVA.

you are sitting next to me, so close, i feel fire and all i want to do is tell you, i love you. it's taking everything i have to stop myself from doing that, to keep those three words tucked neatly beneath the tongue and out of light. i get up and move myself across the room and i can feel your eyes burning holes into the shape of your irises behind my ears. i clutch my drink and chase the three words down to my liver. i love you and i am a terrible pretender.

i didn't want to seem too eager. i went to go look for my friends. i couldn't find any of them. so, i went for a drink instead. i found you asleep on a blue couch. i sat down beside you and you opened your eyes, took one look at me, and wrapped your arms around my neck. you pulled me down close to you and you kissed me. you tasted like christmas morning high on cocaine.

i fill up with questions. i always think the worst. did i text back too soon? am i too much? everything is fragile. distance, too delicate. ridiculous— how timing can ruin everything. how much is too close before i'm smothering you? how much is too far before you forget i exist? i question everything and that is why i'm still alone.

i swear i knew your voice before i ever even heard it. you sounded like home.

i'm trying to sleep, but my heart is beating so fast and i can't tell if it's because of you or the blow. but it's beating like a drum going to war and i think it knows— you are near and you could be closer.

i fell hard. you fell fast. we knew of no other way to fall.

i am sitting in the sun. i am falling asleep. i take a drag. i dream of you. of your hands. your lips. your eyes. everything. everything. everything.

every choice i have ever made after you existed has been dependent on exactly how close i can have you next to me and how long i can get you to stay.

your tongue on my tongue like honey like silk like sky like skin like soft like hard like rain

all i wanted was your hair on my face. black streaks over my eyes, on my mouth, an electric purr against my skin. your flesh wet and sticking next to mine. your body with my body, i kiss. i kiss. i kiss. i adore you, you radical thing.

a terrifying thought uncurls and straightens itself inside my mind: what if i love you?

my insecurities are getting the best of me and i want to give my best to you. but sometimes i am too much in my own mind. i make up something. i push you away. and i hope you don't change your mind.

i want to give you all of me, but i'm scared you want more than what i have to give.

i do not care if you tear me apart. that is the only way i know how to let you in.

i told you to come in. i am sure. i don't care about anything else anymore. i want you.

i pay attention to you more than i pay attention to anything. everything you do is infectious. everything you do is new to me. how can someone's laugh be so lovely and different every single time? earlier, when you held my hand at the theater, i found a new scar and you leaned in and told me: it doesn't hurt anymore and it will never hurt again.

i’m so hooked on how your mind works, on what you notice, on everything that excites you. i'm so caught up in how you see the world, how you see everything and still offer up your love for all to take it. you give me a glimpse of your heart and i can't tell you how much you turn me on.

i start missing you the second before you leave. i think whatever this is is enough to undo me.

i want to go back to that morning where we blacked out all the windows and we woke up tangled in each other's others. a bedlam of limbs, skin, hair, lips— complicated by love or other drugs.

i hate how mortal we are. i hate how we're going to rot and decay and return to the earth as these tragic and fragile things. i hate that nothing lasts forever, and i hate that this is what gives everything meaning.

we talk of plans that are going to happen. we talk of the future, as if we know we will last. there is a sort of comfort in that.

i love how it feels to be with you, like you fit into me and i fit into you. i love how easily i fall asleep when i'm with you.