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No one would want a shy, uninteresting, skittish child who was well past the cute baby stage.
“We are not statistics. We beat the system. Nobody wanted us for all those years? Fine. So, we blew apart the system. We grew up alone, rejected, unwanted. But screw everybody. We graduated high school, and we’re both in college. We haven’t gone to jail. We don’t use drugs. We’ve never run away or been on the streets doing Lord knows what. We are not statistics,” she emphasizes again. “We lived with some rotten families. We lived with some cool ones. The details do not matter. Do you hear me? The details do not matter. I don’t want to live in the past. Neither do you. We’re not going back
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“You got a good ending, okay? You got Simon. Don’t forget that. Even when we thought it was too late, even when it felt like it didn’t matter anymore, you got a father. You have somewhere to call home, somewhere to go during breaks and summers. Just because he showed up late doesn’t mean that he doesn’t matter. You defied some crazy odds by getting adopted in high school.”
“Hold on to your one. Remember? I have you, and you have me. And when you’re lucky enough to find one—just one—person in this unforgiving life who makes everything worth it, who you love and trust and would kill for, then you hold on damn tight, because that’s probably all you get. We got this,”
“It’s going to hurt until it doesn’t anymore.”
They have no idea how naive it is to believe, to trust.
My crazy reaction is one of a million dysfunctional ones that I have perfected over the years. I really am goddamn irreparable.
YOU CAN’T REACH WHAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU UNTIL YOU LET GO OF WHAT’S BEHIND YOU.
YOU CAN’T REACH WHAT’S IN FRONT OF YOU UNTIL YOU LET GO OF WHAT’S BEHIND YOU.
I wish I liked the real world more. I wish I could embrace life. I wish for so many things, and I have no idea if it’s possible for me to have them. I could try, maybe, but I have no clue where to start.
Esben must feel how high my walls are, and I am equally ashamed and grateful that my secret is out. A kind of disturbing relief washes through me. For the first time, I believe that someone wants to experience me. To value me.
The traumas that bind me every day, every hour, every minute soften until I barely feel their presence. For reasons I cannot comprehend, I am lost in him. Safe. Right now, I am without a past that I hate. Right now, I am only here with him.
Because that’s what people do: they leave. When things are good, when things are bad, people leave. But this time, I leave first.
“Something about you reeled me in fast. I’m not sure I’ve ever been that hyperfocused on anyone. It’s like you were totally in my head, hearing me, questioning me, comforting me, reaching for me.”
Some people share their contentment and absolute joy with the world so easily. It’s infectious.
Sometimes, the unexpected happens. Sometimes, someone makes you break your own rules,
“Look, I’m not a shrink, but . . . hell, you’ve kind of been through a lot, and if you ask me, it is okay that you’ve been in a shitty place. Just because that’s where you’ve been doesn’t mean you have to stay there if you don’t want to.”
“No, tell me that from now on, you will be brave. Take more risks. And mean it. It’s time. You can’t live in this room and never go out. You’re going to miss too much. So tell me.”
“Are you kidding me? I’m totally nervous.” I focus on the buttons of his shirt. “Why?” “Because I like you,” he says. “Because I think there’s something between us, and I’m very afraid that I’m going to do the wrong thing again and send you running. And I don’t want that. If you’re going to go running anywhere, I’d prefer that you come running to me. I understand that we don’t know each other, not really, but . . . I’d just like to have coffee with you.”
“Sometimes simply getting someone to share frees them, maybe makes them examine who they are and change. I’m just planting seeds most of the time, offering opportunities. What’s so special is watching people learn about themselves. I try to help out when I can. And do you know how many times I’ve been completely blown away by the kindness of others? The willingness of people to share or give or help out? I know tons of people out there suck, I do. But mostly, Allison, people are good. They really are. And I am lucky enough to get to witness so much of that good.”
“Can’t I just like you without explanation? Just because I do?”
I don’t need protection from your past. I need protection from mine.”
“Esben? No more push and pull. No more wariness. I’m completely in this with you. I think I have been from the minute you picked up my ice cubes, but I just didn’t know it.”
Allison, it’s all right to be sad sometimes. Even though he’s generally upbeat, he can still have low points, too. It means he’s human.”
Sometimes you just know things, right? Without reason or fact. You just know them.”
“Don’t be. I adore him already. Anyone who makes you this happy is clearly someone I’m going to like.”
“Just say that you love me. Please. Because I am so goddamn in love with you that I can hardly breathe when we’re apart. I know I said it when I was drunk, and I shouldn’t have, even though I meant it. But I’m telling you now that I love you.” There’s no need for me to think over how to respond. “I do love you. I don’t remember what not being in love with you feels like.” “Good. Because you don’t have to.”
Even I know that people are mostly good. My brother is just passionate, that’s all. And passion has its upsides as well as its downsides. It . . .” She taps her hand on the open door. “It evokes tremendous generosity and tremendous hurt.
“One negative thing seems like it overrides a thousand positives. In a sea of love, all you see is the one person drowning.”
